Blah Days

I don't know what is wrong with me today. I am sort of lost and not sure what to do with myself. It is 1:56 in the afternoon, and I haven't done anything yet.

No shower, no work, no laundry. Nothing. But it isn't like I have done anything fun. This isn't one of those stay-in-bed-all-day days where you need to just set the restart button. No, that would be welcome.

But today is more like I wander from room to room, checking gmail/facebook/blog reader over and over again looking for something. I am bored so I go and sleep for an hour and then get up an do the same thing.

I have so much to do.

But I am not doing any of it.

I wonder where these days come from?

I can never, ever be a parent

I can't sleep.

Today was an angry day. It just was. I was so angry--I AM so angry.

It keep saying the same thing over and over and no one will listen. I keep asking for help but it doesn't come. I am frustrated. No, I am more than frustrated. I am seething with rage. All day long it kept coming, and I kept pushing it away. It welled up in my eyes and tears came, which is odd cause I wasn't sad. I was just so angry.

I got so angry that I was afraid I would hit Lexi. I wanted to. I wanted to hit the wall or break something or throw something or smash something. And none of this had to do with Lexi but she was THERE and I was so angry.

So I got up and gave her the biggest hug I could and tried to explain to her why I was doing what I was doing and then I put her in my bedroom and closed the door and then I went in to the office and closed that door and hoped and hoped and hoped that I wouldn't hit her.

And I know that made her sad. But I didn't know what else to do.

And I didn't hit her. But I am so ashamed.

Three years on the same topic.

I wrote the following to one of my teachers on November 11, 2006:

Right now by dissertation is shaping up to be an examination of the way time works within adolescent literature. I am not really looking at linear or cyclical time as much as I am examining how time influences conflict and narrative structures. I think that my argument might be that the anxiety of time is at the root of most adolescent texts. I have a few chapters in mind—the first being a discussion of how time influences adolescence and how it directs most of what takes place during that time of life. I am also going to look at the way time effects the artifact (thinking about the timelessness of objects within texts as well as the texts themselves as representations of a specific time), the way para-textual time influences the way we read texts (the time between publications as pauses in linear time), the anxiety of the future as a catalyst for dystopias, and I think I might also include a chapter discussing time travel, etc. There is a lot I can do with this topic, and I am not limited to discussing JUST science fiction but I can bring in all kinds of texts.

This might not mean much to some of you, but those that know my topic and writing know that this is both so similar and yet so different from where I am right now. When it comes down to it, I really have had this topic picked for over three years now. This was one of the first times I had really written down my thoughts on the issue, and here I am three years later, still working on it. Crazy...

Oddly enough, the topic is still so interesting to me. A few days ago my friend, K, wrote that was still so happy with her dissertation topic. I feel the same way--I am really glad I have this topic.

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