I have been thinking a lot about ending this blog. I still enjoy posting on occasion, but over the past six months or so I have been questioning the usefulness and importance of the blog in general.
1) Blogs themselves have gone a bit out of fashion. I am certainly not a slave to trends, but because blogs themselves are no longer as popular as they once were, I have found that fewer and fewer people are reading this. I, too, have stopped reading other people's blogs. It just isn't as relevant as it used to be.
2) I still get a ton of hits a day, so people are reading, but I assume most of them are strangers. The friends who read this blog keep up with my life in much more organic ways. My friends know my life through facebook or old fashioned "real life" interactions. What I write here is almost just a reiteration of what they already know.
3) One of the driving forces of this blog was the guilt I felt for not keeping a journal. In the LDS church, members of the congregation are encouraged (and commanded) to keep a journal. I am not so good at that, but this blog served its purpose. And speaking of the LDS church...
4) I didn't realize it at the time, but I think perhaps this blog was really about tracking my exit out of the LDS faith. When I first started writing I was "almost, but not entirely" Mormon. I was almost, but not entirely, ready to leave. I was caught between two truths, and while I have written about a multitude of issues over the past four years, I think the underlying issue has been to navigate the decision of whether to leave or not.
In the past two months or so, I have become remarkably more comfortable with not being Mormon. I rarely check the exMormon message boards or discuss the issue with my friends or feel angst about the decision. I feel very at peace with where I am, and most days I don't think about the issue at all. The truth is, I am starting to forget that I am "leaving" the LDS church. I have left. That ship has sailed.
Because of this, I am starting to feel like I no longer need to record the daily happenings of my life. Sure, I still have lots of problems and such, but I don't feel the need to write about them. I guess I feel like the blog has served its purpose, and I am not sure I need it in the same way.
I still have some posts I want to write about, especially as I "officially" complete the exit and pen my resignation letter. Perhaps since it is summer and I have more time, I will find more desire to post and write. I don't know. I guess I have plenty of time to figure it out.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
April Pictures
April was crazy difficult for me. I didn't do a very good job of taking care of myself, and I made some not-so-great decisions concerning life and whatnot. I survived, though, and I suppose that is what counts. Things are a bit in limbo at the moment, and I am not sure if I am ready to write about April, but here (at the very least) are some pictures from the month.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
March Photos
It was really hard to pic my favorites photos from this month. Hard to believe all the things that happened this month--nights out, Spring Break, birthdays, etc. I am not sure these were the best or even the most representative. I just liked these particular photos for a variety of reasons. 
What photos will April bring?
Turning 30 (Part IV)
So yesterday was the big day.
Overall, it was good. But it was not what I was expecting. I woke up really energized for the day. I had cupcakes for my students and a plan for dinner. But things got a little sidetracked after a phone call from my SIL.
My great-grandfather died yesterday morning. It was not a complete surprise--he had fallen ill a few weeks before, and I had heard Monday evening that he would not last the night. But, it was still sad and heartbreaking and (I'm not gonna lie) a little weird. I had been making such a big deal about my birthday that I was almost forced to explain to everyone that I met why I was not all smiles.
Luckily, I have lovely friends to text and talk to. I went out to dinner with my advisor and her family, and we laughed and talked and flitted from birthday moments to remembrances. It was exactly appropriate for what it was.
Overall, I guess I would just say that the day was peaceful. It really was. And I have greatly enjoyed writing about it over the past few days; I think I have missed the blogging quite a bit, and this really gave me an excuse to write and ponder and be sentimental and rejoice.
My grandfather led a million lives. He had moments of great joy, but he also had his share of trials. He is exactly the kind of person that American Dreams are made of--coming to America as a teen and working his way though over 100 years (102!) of changes.
Can you even imagine that? My great-grandfather was born in 1909. He was born before women had the right to vote, before New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska, and Hawaii became states, before both world wars, and before the Great Depression. Or how about this:
He was already 83 years old when the Internet was open to public use (in 1992).
Can you even imagine what it would have been like to live through those events, from 1909-2011?
What a life to live, you know? And now it is my turn (and all the rest of my family's) to live a life he would be proud of.
Overall, it was good. But it was not what I was expecting. I woke up really energized for the day. I had cupcakes for my students and a plan for dinner. But things got a little sidetracked after a phone call from my SIL.
My great-grandfather died yesterday morning. It was not a complete surprise--he had fallen ill a few weeks before, and I had heard Monday evening that he would not last the night. But, it was still sad and heartbreaking and (I'm not gonna lie) a little weird. I had been making such a big deal about my birthday that I was almost forced to explain to everyone that I met why I was not all smiles.
Luckily, I have lovely friends to text and talk to. I went out to dinner with my advisor and her family, and we laughed and talked and flitted from birthday moments to remembrances. It was exactly appropriate for what it was.
Overall, I guess I would just say that the day was peaceful. It really was. And I have greatly enjoyed writing about it over the past few days; I think I have missed the blogging quite a bit, and this really gave me an excuse to write and ponder and be sentimental and rejoice.
My grandfather led a million lives. He had moments of great joy, but he also had his share of trials. He is exactly the kind of person that American Dreams are made of--coming to America as a teen and working his way though over 100 years (102!) of changes.
Can you even imagine that? My great-grandfather was born in 1909. He was born before women had the right to vote, before New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska, and Hawaii became states, before both world wars, and before the Great Depression. Or how about this:
He was already 83 years old when the Internet was open to public use (in 1992).
Can you even imagine what it would have been like to live through those events, from 1909-2011?
What a life to live, you know? And now it is my turn (and all the rest of my family's) to live a life he would be proud of.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Turning 30 (Part III)
Dear 30,
I am not totally sure how I feel about you, but you know what?
Bring it.
Love,
M
I am not totally sure how I feel about you, but you know what?
Bring it.
Love,
M
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Turning 30 (Part II)
So last night was wonderful.
I had been feeling a little overwhelmed about turning 30, but I woke up yesterday morning feeling great. I puttered around the house a little, scanning old photos on to facebook and whatnot. Got my haircut and dropped the dog off at the kennel. Basically, I was prepping for my 21st birthday.
I had a 21st birthday, of course. And to be honest, it was fun. I am fairly certain we all went out to dinner at a total dive nicknamed 'The Shitty." But it wasn't one of THOSE kinds of 21st birthdays. And while I wasn't hoping to do anything stupid or scary or whatnot, I have been feeling like I need to reclaim some of what I felt like I lost. So, my birthday plan was to go out, have fun, have a few drinks, and act like an undergrad.
I am pretty sure I was successful.
My friends and I started out bowling. We moved on to a nice dinner. Then we went to a local pub. And we finished the night by playing Wii at a friend's house. (Well, to be clear, I never got Mario out of the gate--I couldn't figure out how to start the game.)
Some highlights:
1) My friends, G and G, brought their son to bowling, and he was seriously the best cheerleader ever. No matter how badly we did, B always cheered for us. Bowling is just silly and stupid anyways, but it is nice to have a 2 year old remind you of that.
2) I started the evening off by receiving a wand. By the end of the night I had used that wand (deemed a fairy twizzle) to pronounce new medieval roles upon the entire group. Oh, and I think I also named us after all the Winnie the Pooh characters.
3) My friends made me two killer birthday desserts. And when I mean killer, I mean seriously killer. Like, amazing. And there was rum.
4) My waiter liked me a lot. I know this because he gave me FOUR cherries in my drink.
5) I won a hat. I mean, does it get more undergrad than winning a hat at a bar because I drank the appropriate kind of vodka in my drink?
6) I tried a lemon drop. It was a bit complicated, but I made it.
7) Our DD is amazing. And when I say amazing, I mean amazing. Cause when she gets tired, she doesn't make us go home. Instead she goes to sleep in the corner of all the Wii chaos and waits for us to be ready to go home. And then she wakes up at 2:30 in the morning and drives all five of us back to our houses and doesn't complain at all. BZ, you are a rockstar. And deserve a raise.
8) The most important and wonderful highlight of the evening? The fact that I felt 100% loved. And I am also 100% sure that a year ago I could have never done this. I would have been scared and nervous and self conscious and embarrassed by my weight and feeling guilty for having a few drinks and worried that I wasn't living up to some perfect standard wherein I am supposed to feel bad for not being married and and pregnant. But now I know a secret.
I am me. I am who I am. I am allowed to love myself and love the world. I am allowed to act like an adult and make my own decisions. I am allowed to want to lose weight for my own reasons and I am allowed to not give a shit if someone thinks it isn't enough or it isn't fast enough. I am allowed to ask my friends for help, and I am allowed to meet new people. To flirt with the waiter. To act like a 5 year old while bowling, a 30 year old when ordering drinks, and a 5 year old again after consuming a lot of them.
I think that when I pour that kind of love on to myself and into the world, then that love comes back to me. And last night I saw evidence of that love in every moment and with every card and with every song sung. I saw evidence of that when people did things for me even though they thought it was silly or when they weren't feeling good or when it was an inconvenience.
It was a beautiful night.
I had been feeling a little overwhelmed about turning 30, but I woke up yesterday morning feeling great. I puttered around the house a little, scanning old photos on to facebook and whatnot. Got my haircut and dropped the dog off at the kennel. Basically, I was prepping for my 21st birthday.
I had a 21st birthday, of course. And to be honest, it was fun. I am fairly certain we all went out to dinner at a total dive nicknamed 'The Shitty." But it wasn't one of THOSE kinds of 21st birthdays. And while I wasn't hoping to do anything stupid or scary or whatnot, I have been feeling like I need to reclaim some of what I felt like I lost. So, my birthday plan was to go out, have fun, have a few drinks, and act like an undergrad.
I am pretty sure I was successful.
My friends and I started out bowling. We moved on to a nice dinner. Then we went to a local pub. And we finished the night by playing Wii at a friend's house. (Well, to be clear, I never got Mario out of the gate--I couldn't figure out how to start the game.)
Some highlights:
1) My friends, G and G, brought their son to bowling, and he was seriously the best cheerleader ever. No matter how badly we did, B always cheered for us. Bowling is just silly and stupid anyways, but it is nice to have a 2 year old remind you of that.
2) I started the evening off by receiving a wand. By the end of the night I had used that wand (deemed a fairy twizzle) to pronounce new medieval roles upon the entire group. Oh, and I think I also named us after all the Winnie the Pooh characters.
3) My friends made me two killer birthday desserts. And when I mean killer, I mean seriously killer. Like, amazing. And there was rum.
4) My waiter liked me a lot. I know this because he gave me FOUR cherries in my drink.
5) I won a hat. I mean, does it get more undergrad than winning a hat at a bar because I drank the appropriate kind of vodka in my drink?
6) I tried a lemon drop. It was a bit complicated, but I made it.
7) Our DD is amazing. And when I say amazing, I mean amazing. Cause when she gets tired, she doesn't make us go home. Instead she goes to sleep in the corner of all the Wii chaos and waits for us to be ready to go home. And then she wakes up at 2:30 in the morning and drives all five of us back to our houses and doesn't complain at all. BZ, you are a rockstar. And deserve a raise.
8) The most important and wonderful highlight of the evening? The fact that I felt 100% loved. And I am also 100% sure that a year ago I could have never done this. I would have been scared and nervous and self conscious and embarrassed by my weight and feeling guilty for having a few drinks and worried that I wasn't living up to some perfect standard wherein I am supposed to feel bad for not being married and and pregnant. But now I know a secret.
I am me. I am who I am. I am allowed to love myself and love the world. I am allowed to act like an adult and make my own decisions. I am allowed to want to lose weight for my own reasons and I am allowed to not give a shit if someone thinks it isn't enough or it isn't fast enough. I am allowed to ask my friends for help, and I am allowed to meet new people. To flirt with the waiter. To act like a 5 year old while bowling, a 30 year old when ordering drinks, and a 5 year old again after consuming a lot of them.
I think that when I pour that kind of love on to myself and into the world, then that love comes back to me. And last night I saw evidence of that love in every moment and with every card and with every song sung. I saw evidence of that when people did things for me even though they thought it was silly or when they weren't feeling good or when it was an inconvenience.
It was a beautiful night.
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