Almost, But Not Entirely

The Beginning of the End? Or the End of the Beginning?

2011-05-12T10:32:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about ending this blog. I still enjoy posting on occasion, but over the past six months or so I have been questioning the usefulness and importance of the blog in general.

1) Blogs themselves have gone a bit out of fashion. I am certainly not a slave to trends, but because blogs themselves are no longer as popular as they once were, I have found that fewer and fewer people are reading this. I, too, have stopped reading other people's blogs. It just isn't as relevant as it used to be.

2) I still get a ton of hits a day, so people are reading, but I assume most of them are strangers. The friends who read this blog keep up with my life in much more organic ways. My friends know my life through facebook or old fashioned "real life" interactions. What I write here is almost just a reiteration of what they already know.

3) One of the driving forces of this blog was the guilt I felt for not keeping a journal. In the LDS church, members of the congregation are encouraged (and commanded) to keep a journal. I am not so good at that, but this blog served its purpose. And speaking of the LDS church...

4) I didn't realize it at the time, but I think perhaps this blog was really about tracking my exit out of the LDS faith. When I first started writing I was "almost, but not entirely" Mormon. I was almost, but not entirely, ready to leave. I was caught between two truths, and while I have written about a multitude of issues over the past four years, I think the underlying issue has been to navigate the decision of whether to leave or not.

In the past two months or so, I have become remarkably more comfortable with not being Mormon. I rarely check the exMormon message boards or discuss the issue with my friends or feel angst about the decision. I feel very at peace with where I am, and most days I don't think about the issue at all. The truth is, I am starting to forget that I am "leaving" the LDS church. I have left. That ship has sailed.

Because of this, I am starting to feel like I no longer need to record the daily happenings of my life. Sure, I still have lots of problems and such, but I don't feel the need to write about them. I guess I feel like the blog has served its purpose, and I am not sure I need it in the same way.

I still have some posts I want to write about, especially as I "officially" complete the exit and pen my resignation letter. Perhaps since it is summer and I have more time, I will find more desire to post and write. I don't know. I guess I have plenty of time to figure it out.

April Pictures

2011-05-06T18:15:00.005-05:00

April was crazy difficult for me. I didn't do a very good job of taking care of myself, and I made some not-so-great decisions concerning life and whatnot. I survived, though, and I suppose that is what counts. Things are a bit in limbo at the moment, and I am not sure if I am ready to write about April, but here (at the very least) are some pictures from the month.

April Sucks

2011-04-21T16:04:00.001-05:00

Everything about April sucks.

March Photos

2011-03-31T23:34:00.004-05:00

It was really hard to pic my favorites photos from this month. Hard to believe all the things that happened this month--nights out, Spring Break, birthdays, etc. I am not sure these were the best or even the most representative. I just liked these particular photos for a variety of reasons.

What photos will April bring?

Turning 30 (Part IV)

2011-03-31T00:02:00.003-05:00

So yesterday was the big day.

Overall, it was good. But it was not what I was expecting. I woke up really energized for the day. I had cupcakes for my students and a plan for dinner. But things got a little sidetracked after a phone call from my SIL.

My great-grandfather died yesterday morning. It was not a complete surprise--he had fallen ill a few weeks before, and I had heard Monday evening that he would not last the night. But, it was still sad and heartbreaking and (I'm not gonna lie) a little weird. I had been making such a big deal about my birthday that I was almost forced to explain to everyone that I met why I was not all smiles.

Luckily, I have lovely friends to text and talk to. I went out to dinner with my advisor and her family, and we laughed and talked and flitted from birthday moments to remembrances. It was exactly appropriate for what it was.

Overall, I guess I would just say that the day was peaceful. It really was. And I have greatly enjoyed writing about it over the past few days; I think I have missed the blogging quite a bit, and this really gave me an excuse to write and ponder and be sentimental and rejoice.

My grandfather led a million lives. He had moments of great joy, but he also had his share of trials. He is exactly the kind of person that American Dreams are made of--coming to America as a teen and working his way though over 100 years (102!) of changes.

Can you even imagine that? My great-grandfather was born in 1909. He was born before women had the right to vote, before New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska, and Hawaii became states, before both world wars, and before the Great Depression. Or how about this:

He was already 83 years old when the Internet was open to public use (in 1992).

Can you even imagine what it would have been like to live through those events, from 1909-2011?

What a life to live, you know? And now it is my turn (and all the rest of my family's) to live a life he would be proud of.

Turning 30 (Part III)

2011-03-29T00:00:00.001-05:00

Dear 30,

I am not totally sure how I feel about you, but you know what?

Bring it.

Love,
M

Turning 30 (Part II)

2011-03-27T10:39:00.007-05:00

So last night was wonderful.

I had been feeling a little overwhelmed about turning 30, but I woke up yesterday morning feeling great. I puttered around the house a little, scanning old photos on to facebook and whatnot. Got my haircut and dropped the dog off at the kennel. Basically, I was prepping for my 21st birthday.

I had a 21st birthday, of course. And to be honest, it was fun. I am fairly certain we all went out to dinner at a total dive nicknamed 'The Shitty." But it wasn't one of THOSE kinds of 21st birthdays. And while I wasn't hoping to do anything stupid or scary or whatnot, I have been feeling like I need to reclaim some of what I felt like I lost. So, my birthday plan was to go out, have fun, have a few drinks, and act like an undergrad.

I am pretty sure I was successful.

My friends and I started out bowling. We moved on to a nice dinner. Then we went to a local pub. And we finished the night by playing Wii at a friend's house. (Well, to be clear, I never got Mario out of the gate--I couldn't figure out how to start the game.)

Some highlights:

1) My friends, G and G, brought their son to bowling, and he was seriously the best cheerleader ever. No matter how badly we did, B always cheered for us. Bowling is just silly and stupid anyways, but it is nice to have a 2 year old remind you of that.

2) I started the evening off by receiving a wand. By the end of the night I had used that wand (deemed a fairy twizzle) to pronounce new medieval roles upon the entire group. Oh, and I think I also named us after all the Winnie the Pooh characters.

3) My friends made me two killer birthday desserts. And when I mean killer, I mean seriously killer. Like, amazing. And there was rum.

4) My waiter liked me a lot. I know this because he gave me FOUR cherries in my drink.

5) I won a hat. I mean, does it get more undergrad than winning a hat at a bar because I drank the appropriate kind of vodka in my drink?

6) I tried a lemon drop. It was a bit complicated, but I made it.

7) Our DD is amazing. And when I say amazing, I mean amazing. Cause when she gets tired, she doesn't make us go home. Instead she goes to sleep in the corner of all the Wii chaos and waits for us to be ready to go home. And then she wakes up at 2:30 in the morning and drives all five of us back to our houses and doesn't complain at all. BZ, you are a rockstar. And deserve a raise.

8) The most important and wonderful highlight of the evening? The fact that I felt 100% loved. And I am also 100% sure that a year ago I could have never done this. I would have been scared and nervous and self conscious and embarrassed by my weight and feeling guilty for having a few drinks and worried that I wasn't living up to some perfect standard wherein I am supposed to feel bad for not being married and and pregnant. But now I know a secret.

I am me. I am who I am. I am allowed to love myself and love the world. I am allowed to act like an adult and make my own decisions. I am allowed to want to lose weight for my own reasons and I am allowed to not give a shit if someone thinks it isn't enough or it isn't fast enough. I am allowed to ask my friends for help, and I am allowed to meet new people. To flirt with the waiter. To act like a 5 year old while bowling, a 30 year old when ordering drinks, and a 5 year old again after consuming a lot of them.

I think that when I pour that kind of love on to myself and into the world, then that love comes back to me. And last night I saw evidence of that love in every moment and with every card and with every song sung. I saw evidence of that when people did things for me even though they thought it was silly or when they weren't feeling good or when it was an inconvenience.

It was a beautiful night.

Celebrating 30

2011-03-26T14:13:00.002-05:00

In a little over an hour I am going out to celebrate my 30th birthday with all my friends.

I am way excited.

I attempted to have cute hair.

I might even wear eyeliner.

I mean, we are talking about the big time...

To My GLBTQ Friends (Mormon and Otherwise)

2011-03-25T18:52:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking about posting something like this for a while. As I have been reading and teaching about GLBTQ literature in my children lit courses, I have been thinking about the obligation I have to create safe spaces for those who need them.

So here is my official declaration of safety and support to gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and questioning individuals everywhere.

If you are reading this, please know that you can count on me to listen. To be there for you. If and when you are ready to come out, I will love you forever and for always no matter what.

Friend, family, or random stranger--this is my promise to you: I will do everything I can to listen, to celebrate, to rejoice in who you are.

And a special note to those of the LDS faith who may be hiding their sexuality from everyone, even themselves:

You are loved. You are special. You have a right to love and family and happiness. You are amazing just the way you are. I can't attempt to reconcile your faith with your sexuality, but I will say that I believe with all my heart that God made you just the way you are for a reason. And you are not expected to live a life alone or celibate or hiding or in the closet.

I promise you, no matter who you are, that I will love you and support you.

When you are ready to come out to me, I will be here.

I Stand With The President

2011-03-12T23:18:00.004-06:00

During Obama's 2008 election, I bought a bumper sticker that said "Mormons for Obama."

I can't tell you how much attention it caused. I actually caught people taking pictures of it. My dad always joked that it was inaccurate--that it should say "Mormon for Obama" cause surely, I had to be the only one.

My friends like this sticker because it makes it so easy to identify my car. But for a long time I have been feeling like it should go. It no longer spoke to who I am. So tonight I changed the bumper sticker. (To be fair, I really just put one over the top of the other.)

I was a little nervous about telling people. I still get weird about acts that might be taken as anti-LDS, when really it is just something silly and inconsequential.

But I like my new bumper sticker.

One step at a time, right?

Job Search? What Job Search?

2011-03-08T23:48:00.004-06:00

Every time I turn around, someone asks me:

Have a job yet?

You got any leads on a job?

How's the job hunt?

What about now?

Now?

How about now? Any jobs yet?

You know, that sort of bothers me. Well, okay, it really bothers me. Cause I am pretty freaking sick of people asking. I promise--if get a job, I will tell people.

But then I think, what the heck are these people even talking about?

I have a job. I teach five classes at two institutions. I have 106 students. I am in the midst of grading the most intimidating stack of papers in existence.

Trust me, I have a job.

Sure, it may be over in May and it may not be renewable, but I have a fucking job and this whole "it ain't real unless it is tenure" shit is for the birds.

So, there I am, thinking that life is much better than I thought, and then I realize something even more awesome.

Life is stinking fantastic.

My family is amazing. We are healthy. Happy. Financially stable. No one is sick, no one is hurt. My parents are married and happy. My brother is married to my best friend. He and T have three happy, brilliant, beautiful kids. My mom has a great job. My parents own 20 acres of land. I have the cutest, most cuddlyist dog in the whole world.

Life is pretty freaking amazing. Whether you wanna call it god or the universe or karma or luck, things are awesome. I have 8 million things to be grateful for, including this "five classes, 106 student" load I am dealing with at the moment.

In the grand sceme of things, I have no complaints.

February Pictures

2011-03-05T19:26:00.005-06:00

February was a hard month. I'm not going to lie--things were difficult. I think that is probably the case every year--the cold and the snow and the gloom just sort of sets in.

But, I still took my pictures. I still looked for the beauty in my every day life. Hope I succeeded.

BONES and Heartbeats

2011-03-05T19:13:00.003-06:00

In late January I started watching the tv show, Bones. Strong female character, blah blah, funny writing, blah blah, etc. Honestly, I really love the show, but that isn't really what I am writing about here.

I watched one of my favorite episodes, The Salt in the Wounds, for the first time a few weeks ago when I got to season four, and then tonight I saw it again when it was on tv. I don't want to ruin the episode for anyone, but David Boreanaz seriously kills it in the last ten minutes. Powerful stuff.

Most importantly, Booth's scenes are paired with Jose Gonzalez's Hearbeats. The song was a brilliant choice. It is just so powerful and forlorn, and it works so well with the content of the final scenes.

What an amazing song:

A Year Ago Today...

2011-02-27T00:03:00.003-06:00

A year ago today I started on a path that would eventually lead me away from the LDS church. I had been quite inactive for a long time, but on February 26th of last year I decided to stop being a fence-sitter. I decided to stop talking about it and actually do something about it.

Over the past year I have:

1) Completed and defended my dissertation
2) Graduated with a PhD
3) Transitioned into teaching a full course load
4) Written and had accepted (pending revisions) an article into an international journal
5) Begun seeing a counselor to work on my anxiety issues
6) Begun seeing a doctor to address my health concerns
7) Lost almost 50 pounds
8) Strengthened and developed friendships with some of the most amazing people in the world
9) Overcome a number of personal fears
10) Become infinitely more social and thrown a number of parties
11) Tried Thai food, Indian food, and sushi
12) Presented an incredibly well received paper at a national academic conference
13) Learned how to make coffee, fuzzy navels, and sun tea

To be honest, this list could go on and on. In the moment it is so easy to forget these things, but I really have had quite a good year.

This is not to point any fingers at my readers (do I have readers?), but I think there is an assumption that leaving the LDS church can only lead to misery. That it is a path filled with sex and drugs and alcohol and porn. That no one leaves the church and gains happiness. But I have found a path that is amazing and loving and peaceful. I am more confidant of who I am. Of what I want. Of what I am doing.

Life is not perfect; of course not. I still have lots of battles to do and jobs to find and student loans to pay off, but at the end of the day, I think that the year speaks for itself.

Grrr

2011-02-24T17:36:00.002-06:00

I'm annoyed today.

And frustrated.

And pissed off.

And angry.

And kinda furious at the world.

And kinda furious at myself.

And at my car.

And my life.

And job search.

And empty bank account.

::sigh::

Thirteen Percent

2011-02-19T00:13:00.005-06:00

You know what seriously freaks me out?

As I complete my 365 Project, the site keeps track of my progress, of how many pictures (out of 365) that I have uploaded. Since I take a picture every day, this, in turn, tells me how much of the year has passed.

I am constantly aware of how much time has gone by since January 1st.

Did you know that we are 13% of the way through 2011?

I did.

I'm Such a Chicken

2011-02-18T15:39:00.004-06:00

The Mormon Missionaries are sitting in the hallway outside my apartment door. I think they may be waiting for me. Maybe. I wouldn't know because I am too chicken to open my door to ask.

Earlier this week I came home to see them walking away from my door. I circled the parking lot in my car and parked inconspicuously in a place where I could see them. They waited outside my apartment for a long, long, time. I sat in my car for a long, long time.

Today heard them knocking. I am sure they could hear my tv. I am sure they know I am home (why, oh why, have I not replaced my Mormons for Obama bumper sticker yet?). I looked outside, and sure enough, it was them. They went back to their car to get something and then came back to the door to wait.

And so now I am hiding in my office, waiting to see them drive away. They have not. And I have not left this room. What if they notice movement in the apartment?

I don't know why I am so afraid of that conversation. It isn't that I am afraid to tell people how I feel--I post it on the blog and explain it to people quite often. I am very confidant in where I am at and where I am going. I am very, very happy when it comes to my decision to leave.

And yet...

There is something so hard about seeing those 19 year old guys and knowing how desperately they believe and knowing that if I tell them what I believe, it will hurt them. Of course, I am not so delusional that I think my unbelief would actually hurt their faith (though, I suppose it is possible). Rather, I know that it would be sad for them.

These missionaries are just kids. They believe what they believe. They are away from home, from their families, from their girlfriends (well, and maybe their boyfriends). They spend their days being rejected from all sorts of people. They have been taught that their righteousness and happiness and future success will depend on this mission. And here I am, ready to walk away from something they care so deeply about.

I guess I just feel sorry for them. Well, maybe not sorry for them. But, I just... I don't want be a source of angst for them. I don't want to look at them and tell them that I think their whole world--the LDS world--is wrong. They believe what they believe, and for many of them (but, of course, not all of them) it brings a great deal of happiness. Who am I to rain on their parade?

So I hide from them. And maybe that makes me a coward. And maybe that means that they will continue to come knock on my door in hopes of bringing me back into the fold.

But maybe, just maybe, those two guys will go back home to their apartment tonight and feel like they have done God's work--seeking out the "lost sheep." Maybe they will pat themselves on the back for trying and they will be able to report back to their mission president that "no news is good news" (I mean, I didn't yell at them or try to seduce them or offer them a beer, right?) And they can write home to their moms and girlfriends about this inactive girl and they can feel good about their work and all will be well.

I guess if that makes me a chicken, then I am okay with that.

God knows they have enough shit to deal with--they don't need me to make their day any worse.

A Picture a Day...

2011-02-13T17:53:00.005-06:00

I have really been enjoying doing the 365 Project. I thought for sure that I wouldn't keep it up, but I have surprised myself--I am actually doing quite well. I don't really think of myself as a creative person, but since I decided to not include pictures of people (to keep the project anonymous), I am forced to look for beauty and color in random objects. It is especially interesting to see how I track the event of my life without taking pictures of people (or, at least, of people's faces).

I have been doing a bunch of different things with it, but overall I seem to really focus on finding color and beauty in strange angles. There are pretty moments all around us every day, but sometimes I think we forget to really SEE them.

Here are some of my favorites from January:

Asking for (and Getting) Help

2011-02-09T23:35:00.005-06:00

One of the things I am really trying to work on in my life is asking for help and opening myself up to my friends. I have a hard time with these sorts of things--asking other people to do me favors, give me rides, or go out of their way. I am fine with asking for help in all sorts of offical ways, but not in those real-quick-I-need-a-ride sort of ways.

Most of this has to do with me. I am not good at letting go of control. If we all go out, I tend to drive. I organize events. I don't want people to feel put out.

But, on the other hand, I think it also says a LOT about the people I am now friends with that I can start making this change. It's not that I have had "bad" friends in the past, but I am not sure I have really felt like I could count on people the way I feel with my current friends.

Let me explain:

My car has been acting a bit weird lately. Today I finally decided to call and see if I could get someone to look at it. My only options were to wait about two week to have somone look at it or get my car to the dealership this afternoon. I sent out a text to a handful of friends asking for help, and within five minutes I had about five people offering to drive me to drop off my car, an offer to actually borrow someone's car while mine was in the shop, and apologies from those unable to help but asking if there was anything else they could do.

I know I am not supposed to be amazed by things like that, but I was. I was sitting in my office close to tears thinking that such a response would never have happened five years ago. Part of that is because I have finally begun to trust the people in my life enough to know that I am allowed to ask for these kinds of things, but another big part is that I simply have amazing friends.

G&G, Texas B, J&J, B&T, E: You guys are wonderful. I am so, so, lucky to have you.

Weird Dreams

2011-01-24T21:26:00.001-06:00

You ever have that feeling that something from your dream has happened in real life? I get like that sometimes--I wake up and there is something I sorta remember from my dream that sorta reminds me of real life and it seems super important but I can't quite pinpoint what is going on.

Last night I had a dream that I was driving a car with my Mom. I can't quite remember the specifics, but the car started to slide or skid, and although I kept hitting the brakes, I just kept spinning. I managed to avoid running into other cars and people, but I hit a tree.

What I keep thinking about is that feeling of pushing as hard as I could on the brakes but they wouldn't catch. There was no resistance. Now, when I start to slide on ice in real life I automatically let off the gas (it took me a long time for that to be an automatic response). But in my dream I kept trying to put on the brake and although I had the brake pushed down as far as I could and the car was slowing, I knew it wasn't going to stop soon enough.

For some reason I can't shake this feeling like I have done that before. Sometime in my life I tried to use a foot brake or hand brake or something and I couldn't keep from crashing. I have no idea when that was. Maybe it was a game at Six Flags or something? Whatever the case, I can't shake that feeling like I am trying, trying to stop something bad from happening but I have totally lost all control.

And yes, I recognize that there is some kind of dream analogy/metaphor there.

But really, I think it could just be some sort of weird memory from playing Bear Claw or something.

[P.S. This is my 400th post.]

Christmas 2010

2011-01-03T22:18:00.001-06:00

My Christmas with family was amazing. I was nervous and anxious about not being with them on December 25th, but it actually went so well. We had a blast celebrating birthdays and Christmas and my nephew's baptism. We enjoyed bowling and trips to the Children's museum and Build-a-Bear. We played games and the Wii. We read stories and did craft projects and ate good food. It was really, really great.

Not a word was said about anyone's faults or failures. And it isn't like I was expecting some huge drama or anything, but I was worried. And I am so, so glad those worried were unfounded.

I am very lucky to have my family. Their love and support and acceptance is everything to me.

What a great, great way to end the year.

Packing up Christmas by abne · 365 Project

2011-01-02T10:30:00.006-06:00

Packing up Christmas by abne · 365 Project

I am not doing huge New Year's Resolutions, but I did decide to do the 365project. I am not a photographer by any stretch of the imagination, but I thought it would be cool to take a new picture each day as a way to record the year.

My only rules are that I have to take a picture each day, the thing I take a picture of should have to do with my experiences that day, and I should try to vary the kinds of things I photograph.

I won't post every day's picture, but this is the first photo of the year:

Christmas 2010 Letter

2010-12-26T13:59:00.002-06:00

I know it is cheesy, but I do one of those "yearly letters" in my Christmas cards each year. This is what the most recent one said (with minor changes to avoid specifics):

Dear Family and Friends,

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! I hope that this letter finds you happy, healthy, and (most importantly) warm as we celebrate the holiday season and come to the end of 2010.

My own year has been full of adventures, accomplishments, and new beginnings. I began the year by making the last few revisions to my dissertation. The final document took me almost a year to write and came in at a whopping 247 pages. Completing this milestone was both exhausting and exhilarating, and I deeply appreciate the enormous support I received from my family and friends during this time in my life. I am especially indebted to my parents for all they have done to help me reach my goals.

On March 19, 2010, I successfully defended my dissertation in front of my colleagues and peers, and I officially became Dr. M. In May, I took part in commencement and graduated with my Ph.D. Such an accomplishment was accompanied by a number of festivities, and I spent the next few weeks (and months!) enjoying some much needed time off.

In August, I began my current job as an Instructional Professor. I teach introductory and intermediate writing and literature courses, and while the position is similar to the work I have done in the past, the new position has its new responsibilities (four courses a semester!) and benefits (I finally have my own copy code and private office). I am incredibly lucky to spend my days teaching and working with amazing people, and sometimes I have to wonder how it is I can get paid for reading Harry Potter and teaching Walt Disney. I hope that the work I do will help my students become better teachers, librarians, and critical thinkers; I am truly lucky to do what I do.

So there you have it—the formal accomplishments. There have been a lot of them, and I am so happy to have shared them with so many of you. When I think about the year, though, I don’t think just about these huge accomplishments. I also think about the amazing birthday I spent watching one of my best friends defend his dissertation and then attending an impromptu pizza party at my advisor’s house, the hilarious chaos of taking professional family photos (outside!) on what had to be the hottest day of the year, the summer evening watching baseball with friends, or the recent Thanksgiving I spent with my dear grad school family here in town. My year has been made of moments, some big and some small, and all of them have contributed to what I believe has been one of the happiest years of my life.

It is my hope, this cold December evening as I type this letter, that all of us will be able to say the same this year and for all the years to come.

Life is good. Family and friends are good. And it is only going to get better.

Much love to you all,

White Wine In The Sun by Tim Minchin

2010-12-25T01:05:00.001-06:00

I heard this Christmas song for the first time last night. I love it. I love everything about it. I think it really sums up so much of what I am feeling about Christmas this year.

A Non Mormon Christmas

2010-12-25T00:13:00.005-06:00

Things are a bit different this year. There have been many Christmases over the last ten years when I wasn't attending the LDS church. So, not attending this season hasn't been all that different. But, of course, things are a little different. It is a challenge to find meaning in this holiday when there is no one there to tell you how you are supposed to be feeling or how you are supposed to be celebrating.

This is also the first year ever that I am not with my family for Christmas day. I would say these two things are unrelated, but I am actually not so sure about that. The courage it took for me to leave the church is the same courage it took for me to decide not to go home for Christmas. It was the same ability to make a decision and not crumble knowing that it hurt those around me.

Of course, I am not boycotting my family or anything--I will see them all in a few days. I just couldn't see driving three hours south for one day just to drive all the way back to my town and then another three hours north one day later. In years past, I think I would have seen going home for Christmas as non-negotiable. It is what I do. But this year I think I just needed to know that I could celebrate the holiday on my own terms. And the logistics of where people were going to be and where people would be traveling offered a very clear way to do it.

I spend time alone all the time. I spend weekends alone. On any other day, in any other way, today's activities would be awesome. I did some scrapbooking while watching a Lifetime movie (pure cheese!!). Talked on the phone with some friends. Watched the snow fall while drinking coffee. Made potstickers for dinner and rewatched The Matrix. Played with Lexi. It was a good day. But I am torn between feeling sad that I am alone and feeling guilty for NOT feeling sad that I am alone. I feel like I am supposed to feel sad. I am supposed to wax poetic about the evening and think about the year and my spiritual path and my family traditions. I am supposed to look out my window into a snowy evening and be jealous that other people are with their families while I am not.

But, I sorta don't feel that way at all. In fact, I feel okay about things. I mean, did you hear what I just said?

I ate potstickers and watched The Matrix. I scrapbooked.

How great is that?!?!? Oh yeah--and I ended the evening with a drink.

None of these things were centered around the LDS church or around Christianity or around Jesus Christ. I know I am supposed to feel guilty about that, too. Cause just because I gave up on the LDS church doesn't mean that I have given up on Jesus Christ, right?

Except...

Maybe it does.

Or maybe it doesn't.

Or maybe that is something I can decide tomorrow. Or next year. Or never.

How great is that???

Christmas Day

2010-12-23T17:13:00.001-06:00

I haven't yet decided whether I am excited or scared that I won't be home for Christmas day.

Jesus was a Liberal Democrat

2010-12-18T09:23:00.000-06:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Jesus Is a Liberal Democrat

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

March to Keep Fear Alive

Zeitgeist 2010: Year in Review

2010-12-12T20:27:00.001-06:00

It's a Big, Bad, World Out There

2010-11-30T22:53:00.002-06:00

I have had a weird couple of teaching days. I don't want to betray confidentiality, but over the last 24 hours I have had an incident which has really reminded me of how vulnerable we can be as teachers.

Over the course of the last eight years, I have had hundreds of students, and I can probably still name at least a handful that truly freaked me out. Made me uncomfortable. This week was the first time, though, that I was ever actually scared.

Students can be scary. They can do stupid, scary things. Every week I work with almost 100 kids, most of whom are 18 or 19 years old and still developing their ability to think clearly and rationally. By this time in the semester, I have at least a dozen or so who are very unhappy with me.

What I really realize is that it only takes one student to do one really violent thing. I mean, we read about it all the time now. Students come on campus and make a point. They take out their anger and angst and delusions and hurt those around them. And then there are the less public instances of students using their power (because, let's face it, students have an enormous amount of power) to intimidate and bully teachers, especially female teachers.

I hate that things like this happen. I hate that I actually have to think about the solo trek I take to my car. I hate that today, for the first time in my life, I was nervous to walk alone after teaching and I was worried about being by myself in my home.

Do I think this one specific incident is going to turn into a larger problem? No. I am not really thinking about this one specific issue anymore. Rather, I am just really aware of how vulnerable people can be--in all jobs and with all sorts of people. It is a scary world sometimes...

Pet Peeves and the Lime-Away Man

2010-11-25T22:11:00.011-06:00

I am sure it is totally tacky for me to post this on Thanksgiving when I am supposed to only be thinking and talking about rainbows and sunshine and puppydogs.

But...

Can I just say how incredibly annoying it is to go to someone's blog (or any internet site, really) and an advertisement starts playing where you can HEAR sound but it is purposely difficult to find an OFF/MUTE button? So instead of reading a blog post, I am desperately looking for the ad that is talking about Lime-Away so I can close it out or turn it off but there are a ton of ads to sift through and I start wondering why in the world this person decided to have huge ads WITH SOUND on a personal blog to begin with but feel guilty for being judgy but meanwhile the stupid ad for the emoticons site starts talking too, so the Lime-Away announcer seems to be having a conversation with the emoticons and it all gets so annoying but I can't just mute my whole computer cause then I would be muting my christmas music and I don't want to do that so I just leave.

And never get to read the blog post.

Eh, Nie Nie is an over-rated site anyways...

Posting Fears

2010-11-21T22:59:00.002-06:00

I have been ignoring this blog a lot. I am scared to write what I am thinking, so I just don't write anything at all.

I have a lot of frustration and sadness and anger about the LDS church. I would say that the better part of my day is spent thinking my spiritual path, and I am still very much processing my decision to leave and what that means for my friends and family and my future.

But, the thing is, I am not sure how to talk about that here. I don't want to get into a pissing match. I know that every single thing I write here is going to be examined under a microscope. I never felt the need to explain or cite or justify my faith or beliefs when I was in the LDS church, but I know that I will have to the moment I say anything against the church.

And I don't say this because I am angry or mad at my LDS friends. Those of you reading this, I promise I am not upset or angry. But I also know that such a debate is inevitable. How do I avoid that? How do I create a safe place on my blog where I can talk through my feelings without offending my LDS friends but still be authentic to the place I am at? How do I talk through my thought process without inciting debate? Because, the truth is, I am not interested in debating LDS doctrine or whether Joseph Smith practiced polygamy or how tithing money is used or whether women or gays or minorities are treated unfairly. (See, I can't even write that sentence without fretting for five minutes over whether it is offensive.) I want to write about all those things without talking about all those things. I have talked about all those things for ten years. I am done talking. I am done feeling the need to justify what I feel.

I joined the LDS church because, at the end of the day, it felt like the right thing to do. And despite the historical facts and the political issues and the anecdotal stories, when it comes down to it, I am leaving the church for the very same reason. Because I feel--I KNOW--that it is the right thing to do.

And I am so very sad that my decision hurts so many people.

Wrong. On All Counts.

2010-11-06T00:08:00.003-05:00

Phone message I got today:

Hello, M. This is Jane Doe. I was just calling to let you know that this weekend is our turn to clean the church. Oh, and it was great to meet your sister and mom this past weekend.

1) I have never met Jane Doe, yet she makes no introductions.
2) I do not attend the LDS church (I am assuming that is the church she is referring to.)
3) I do not have a sister.
4) My mother lives three hours away.
5) And she is not LDS.
6) I no longer consider myself Mormon.
7) Even if I did, I do not believe that the church should be continuously cutting costs by asking members to clean the building, thereby ensuring that a) the buildings are never cleaned well enough, b) certain members are overworked more than they should be, c) tithing funds are spent on building 3 billion dollar shopping malls* instead of on the local chapels, and d) members who used to be employed by the church to maintain the buildings** no longer have jobs. Because clearly, building shopping malls is more important than spending the relatively small amount of money necessary to hire professionals and allow church members the decency of having a Saturday afternoon with their families.

* Here is a link to more information about the City Creek Center, a 3 billion dollar mall the LDS church is building.

** LDS Chapels used to employ Church custodians for each building. I know people did this for a living--it was not a calling; it was an actual job for the church. See “Caring for Our Meetinghouses,” Ensign, Oct. 1995, 79–80

But just as the jobs of custodians have changed, so have the responsibilities of members. Because a full-time custodian is no longer assigned to each meetinghouse, members are to take a more active role in cleaning and caring for the building. With members’ help, the Church has saved a substantial amount in cleaning and maintenance costs.

ETA: Links to more information.

Equality Time: The 96 Theses: Constructive Suggestions for Improving the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1-12

2010-10-28T23:12:00.001-05:00

Equality Time: The 96 Theses: Constructive Suggestions for Improving the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1-12

That's So Gay - Wanda Sykes

2010-10-28T23:10:00.001-05:00

Internet Mormonism vs. Chapel Mormonism

2010-10-28T22:54:00.001-05:00

Internet Mormonism vs. Chapel Mormonism

Gooey Butter Cookies :: Vonna Pauls [HappyCooker] :: Justapinch.com

2010-10-28T22:50:00.001-05:00

Gooey Butter Cookies :: Vonna Pauls [HappyCooker] :: Justapinch.com

Mormonism's Negro Doctrine: An Historical Overview

2010-10-28T22:49:00.001-05:00

Mormonism's Negro Doctrine: An Historical Overview

Why People Leave the LDS Church

2010-10-28T22:44:00.001-05:00

This is mostly for me to save, though some of my readers may find it interesting.

Mormon Stories # 111: Why People Leave the LDS Church and How We Can Help

All credit to John Dehlin

Casting Katniss: Is Hollywood Whitewashing 'The Hunger Games'? PopMatters

2010-10-28T22:43:00.002-05:00

Again, mostly for me.

Casting Katniss: Is Hollywood Whitewashing 'The Hunger Games'? PopMatters

Chilean Miners Rescued Makes for Happy TV

2010-10-13T01:14:00.005-05:00

I should go to bed.

But I can't. I just keep watching the Chilean Mine Rescue on tv. It is amazing that these men survived 69 days 1/2 mile underground. No man has ever stayed underground that long. There has never been another rescue like this one. It is interesting because although I have been following his event somewhat, I don't think I understood the magnitude of the event until this evening when Andersoon Cooper started comparing the images we were seeing (real time live footage from 2050 feet underground) to the images of the moon landing.

I don't want to sound too cheesy, but seeing all these people from around the world come together to save these men is pretty amazing. It is a testimony to who we are and what we can do as humans--the fact that such a disaster happened at all, that such complicated mining work is being done in mines with no second escape route in place, that 33 miners are in the process of being rescued from an unthinkable situation, and that all of these things are being broadcast from a remote corner in Chile in real time. It is amazing.

What an awesome thing to see.

Fall, Friends, and Pumpkins

2010-10-03T09:47:00.006-05:00

My quest for fun and socializing continues. This semester, so far, has been a rough one. There is just way too much to do and not nearly enough time to do it. If I have to be completely honest, it probably doesn't help any that my Major League Baseball addiction has eaten into my evenings. But even without the baseball, I am pretty sure I would be behind (perhaps this is the silver lining of not making post-season--I have more time to grade).

Because of the craziness, I feel like I don't see anyone. Ever. My office is tucked away in a corner of the building surrounded by other adjuncts. Adjuncts teach four classes and are always busy and have very little time to socialize. Plus, I am not really friends with any of them. Thus, my hallway is boring and sad and a little lonely.

This weekend, though, I finally got to spend some quality time with friends. A group of us went to the local pumpkin patch yesterday morning. Normally, this is something that would make me quite nervous and anxious. And I was nervous and anxious. But I was determined to go and have fun. And I did.

I love pumpkins. I love hayrides and bonfires and Halloween and red and orange leaves and scarecrows. I love fall. And I love pumpkin patches. The weather was wonderful--it had rained in the morning, but by 10am the sun was out. It was chilly, but since I dug out my fleece for the day, I was good to go. It was the perfect crisp fall Saturday.

Most importantly, I was with fun people. I love my friends. I love that they are willing to act goofy and look at crafts and pick pumpkins. I am a pretty cheesy person at times, and a lot of times this makes me really uncomfortable. I am sort of embarrassed that I like to scrapbook and do crafts and play boardgames. But my friends don't mind those things about me (mostly because they are all a little cheesy themselves).

I think, for a long time, that I was just a cynic about everything. And, well, I still am sometimes. But most of that cynicism came from fear and worry that people wouldn't like me if I admitted to liking cheesy things. But maybe it is because I am trying to change or maybe it is because I have settled into a great group of friends or maybe it is because I am just becoming more sentimental with time but I embraced the great cheesiness that is the pumpkin patch. And it was awesome.

Blue skies over the pumpkin patch.

Corn Maze. We didn't go through the maze, but we took a hayride around the outside.

Pumpkins (and gourds) as far as the eye can see. The question is--did all these pumpkins comes from this farm?

Between the eight of us, we had quiet a pile of stuff. I think we even added more to this before we were done.

(I hope my friends don't mind that I stole some of their pics to put on my blog--I was looking for images that didn't include specific people or place names, and so I totally just grabbed some off my friends' facebook pages.)

Could-have-been love story

2010-09-22T22:47:00.001-05:00

Does anyone ever say what they really mean??

My #1 Enemy: The Phone

2010-09-20T23:06:00.004-05:00

I have a phone phobia. I hate calling people. Unless I know you really, really well, I hate calling you. Even more inconvenient is the fear I have of calling businesses, stores, companies, etc. I would literally rather drive 20 minutes to the hair cut place, walk up to the counter and set up an appointment for later that day, drive home, and then drive BACK to the hair cut place than actually call them on the phone.

But being an adult requires phone calls. Lots of phone calls. Even with all the technology we have, phone calls are required for all sorts of things--students loans, finding a local primary care physician, serving as a reference for a friend, calling to complain that the cable is out. All those things require me to suck it up and make the call and pretend that my heart isn't leaping out of my chest and I didn't just throw up and everything is going to be okay.

I know why this problem exists. Long story short, I was at the wrong end of a very x-rated, inappropriate prank call when I was very little. I don't really remember what was said, but I know how I felt. Embarrassed. Foolish. Scared. And I know that I hid this event from my parents for a very long time.

I hate that such a simple thing has such a huge power over my life. And I hate that no matter how much I want to, I can't avoid the phone if I want to live a regular, normal adult life.

My New Addiction

2010-09-18T22:40:00.003-05:00

I have fallen in love with Major League Baseball. Specifically, the St. Louis Cardinals.

I have liked the Cards my whole life. Growing up outside St. Louis, the Cardinals sort of get into your blood. My family wasn't really a sports family, but we would attend games occasionally, usually because we earned tickets through school or because our third grade class was singing the Star Spangled Banner or something. It was great fun to attend the games, and I still remember the hype surrounding Mark McGwire's 62nd home run while I was in high school. We literally had a Mark McGwire day at school, and students were missing class left and right to go sit outside the stadium during the games in hopes of just being NEAR the excitement.

But, attending the games was not the same as following the team, and I have never really done so. Until now.

I don't really know what started it. I think it was partly because I was looking for something totally different than my dissertation. All I know is that some time in the month of June, I started watching baseball. A lot. I didn't have cable and I don't live in St. Louis, so I would only get about one game a week on my tv. The rest of the time I would listen on the radio. When that got old I decided to finally break down and get cable. Now, I love a lot of cable tv shows. Mad Men. Iron Chef. Reruns of The Golden Girls. But it wasn't until my obsession with the Cards that I actually did the leg work to get cable.

I started watching all the time. I watched the All-Star game with J, my advisor, and her entire family. (I have really no idea how that happened--we aren't baseball people). I know the players' names. Their stats. I sit watching the game while connected to the internet, and when they use a term I don't understand, I look it up. I know weird lingo. I know what the infield fly rule is. I saw the Cards/Reds brawl and felt bad for Jason LaRue (who announced today that his career is over, thanks to that punkass Johnny Cueto kicking him in the head with spikes).

I'm not really sure where it came from or how long it will last, but I am enjoying it for all sorts of reasons:

1) I like that it is something totally different than textual narratives. Sure, baseball has stories, but you can walk away and come back and it is okay. It isn't the kind of narrative you get from reading books.

2) Baseball is a very subtle sport. There is a lot of waiting. A lot of little things that lead to big issues. An inch here or a degree there, and it is a totally different game. It is really a thinking man's sport, with all the math and theories and maneuvering.

3) The players aren't the big name jerks you read about in other places. Oh, I am sure there are plenty of assholes and cheaters, but because starters play almost every day for 6 months, you don't hear about the partying and the diva behavior.

4) It really is an American sport. It has such a history, and because of the depth of the record keeping, every element of the game is steeped in American history. Watching the sport and cheering for a team makes me feel like I am part of a community, and that community has a real history to it.

5) It is a joy to see people come together and love something and have a good natured rivalry. You rarely hear players talk poorly about each other or their rival teams (Brandon Phillips was an exception). I really love seeing the guy from one team make it to first and the first baseman from the other team tell him he did a good job. These men love what they do and because they play for a variety of teams during their career, they develop great relationships with each other. There is no room in baseball for the loud, obnoxious, cockiness you see in other sports.

6) Of course, I think there is a lot wrong with a culture that reveres sports stars in ways they will never revere teachers and policeman and scientists. But, I have also begun to realize that I can't hold baseball players accountable for that. Moreover, I have begun to really see that people are born with such different talents. The baseball player in my comp class will never have a PhD. Not because he doesn't apply himself but because he was not born with the natural ability and the social context necessary to pursue that kind of degree. But, he was born with the natural ability and into a social context where baseball is a real future for him. It is what it is, and I see the value in it. (I don't actually have a baseball player in my comp class, but you know what I mean.)

7) At the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with spending a few hours looking at men in uniform. There. I said it.

There just seems to be something joyous and wonderful about watching baseball, and the St. Louis Cardinals are the epitome of that. They are an amazing team. They have the best fans. They have the best players. (Literally. They currently have one of the best MLB players of all time, if not THE best player of all time, in Albert Pujols, and they also have the league's best catcher and some of the best pitchers.)

If you want to see some amazing television, click this link to see a scene from last year's season. Albert Pujols hits a line drive towards the pitcher, Padres' Chris Young, and hits him in the face. The moment is hard to watch, but it is powerful to see the way the fans and the players immediately care only about Young's condition. There is no worry about who is going to win or what it means--all we care about is whether Young is okay. And there in the middle of it is Pujols praying for Young with the other team's first baseman, Adrian Gonzalez. That is powerful stuff right there.

I know. It is weird. But it sure is fun.

Learning the History of the LDS Church

2010-09-12T15:27:00.005-05:00

Like so many things in my life, I am "almost, but not entirely" out of the LDS church at this point. I no longer attend, no longer believe, and no longer self-identify as Mormon.

But I haven't completely walked away. I am just now starting to realize how long this process will be. It was a part of my life for ten years. But even more than that, the LDS church was a crucial part of my developing philosophy of life. It was my introduction to faith and spirituality. It was a community. It taught me things about myself and others and the world and God. It gave me some of my closest friends and best memories.

My reasons for leaving were not very historical in nature. I say that because most (if not all) of the other post-Mormons I have met left because of church history. They learned more about the true nature of Joseph Smith, his accounts of how the church was founded, and the why's and how's behind the church. This was not the case for me--at the time I couldn't really care less about what happened in the past. I left because of what I was seeing in the here and now--the way the LDS church and the LDS community acted and treated people.

But as my knowledge has grown, I have begun to wonder more and more about the history of the LDS church, and I have decided to take some time to read more about it. I don't know if it will make things better or worse, but I suspect that reading some of these texts will go a long way in helping me feel at peace.

In the queue:

Joseph Smith: Rough Stone Rolling
An Insider View of Mormon Origins
No Man Knows my History: The Life of Joseph Smith

I have never been huge fan of history, but I am actually excited to dig in to these texts. I will report back as I make my way through them.

You are not hip. Trust me.

2010-09-02T14:00:00.002-05:00

I hate it when people try to be hip. I hate it when people think they are the first person to do something and that makes them hip. I hate it when people perform hip-"ness."

If you have to try to be hip, you are not hip.

I am not hip.

You are not hip.

Writing a blog about attempts at being hip is ALSO not hip, I know.

No one is ever as hip/quirky/sassy/post-modern/or retro as they think they are.

Seriosuly.

That is all.

The Olympics Made Me Do It

2010-08-28T10:20:00.003-05:00

When I was LDS, I very rarely posted about the church on this blog. I have so many non-Mo friends that I knew 1) they didn't really care, and 2) they wouldn't always want to hear about Mormonism every day. And, I guess there is a third reason--I didn't want it to offend anyone by coming across like I was proselytizing.

I say all this because I am having a bit of the same problem now as I live my weird transitiony postMormon life (I still can't decide if there should be a dash in there). I don't always want to post things because I think my LDS friends probably won't care, won't understand, or might be offended.

But, on the other hand, this is me. All of me. And most importantly, this is my life journal. I really realized that last month as I read through my posts--this is really the only record I have of the life I have lived. I have pictures and scrapbooks, but looking at those now I often don't remember who is who and what it was we were doing.

So: here is a story I was thinking about yesterday that I really want to remember. I apologize if it makes people feel weird or like I am being overly dramatic/calling attention to myself.

_______________________________________________

Lots of people have asked me, so here it is--my first drink after a ten year pause.

There was quite a bit going on in my life at the time, but the two most important things were the Olympics and my dissertation. I had decided that I needed to do one last read through of the dissertation. I would read every line and check every quotation. That meant a lot of tedious mind numbing reading, and it meant finding each quotation in all the books and articles I had used over the past year. Meanwhile, the Winter Olympics were going on and I was glued to the tv. I do this each time--I love watching the Olympics and rooting for the crazy underdogs. So, I combined these tasks.

I took my dining room table and moved it into the middle of the living room, set up my computer, brought in all my books and articles, and proceeded to go through every page of my diss. I don't know why that sticks out so clearly to me, but there was something really intense about making my physical space reflect so clearly the importance of the document I was working on.

On February 23rd I was working on my diss and watching people jump around in the ice and snow and was freezing my butt off. It was cold. And so I decided to have a cup of coffee. I had all the necessary components since I keep coffee in my house for my dad when he comes to visit. I had been thinking about alcohol and coffee for a long time, and I realized that although I was still maintaining the Word of Wisdom in my life, I did not agree that it was a necessary step to following Christ. It just seemed so silly. And so I had a cup of coffee and it was good and that was that.

Meanwhile, my friend G made a joke in response to me posting about it that I was on a slippery slope to hard lemonade. This was a constant joke among my friends--of all the things I wanted to taste, Mike's Hard Lemonade was at the top of the list. Back when I was drinking in college, I was underage and made do with whatever it was I could get someone else to buy me. And giving it up wasn't that hard, but I always kicked myself for not trying Mike's Hard Lemonade before I joined the church. [To be fair, I actually had two things I had always wanted to try--Mike's Hard Lemonade and Zima. And trust me, I have tried to find Zima in the last few months.]

So all that is sorta on my mind and Friday afternoon (February 26th) comes around and I decide that on my way home from work, I am going to stop at Schnuck's and get a sandwich from their deli. I had more work to do and Olympics to watch. And so I bought the King of the Hill sandwich and went to get some Krunchers and looked at the beer. I stared for about two brief seconds, picked up a six pack of Mike's and went to check out. Like it was nothing. Like I did it every day.

I was nervous. I was a little weirded out at how easy it was for me to do it--I didn't hem and haw. I just did it. It was like I had made the decision already without even realizing it. So when I was looking at the alcohol it was already done. I was doing it.

I went to pay. I was shaking. Not cause I was scared but because I didn't know how to show my ID. I also was excited. So excited, in fact, that I had to will myself not to try some before driving home.

I came in the house and sat at the dining room table covered in my laptop and books and articles. I opened the Krunchers, twisted the top off of a Mike's and there ya go. I was a Mormon sitting in my house, drinking alcohol. I felt that I was the biggest rebel in the world. The taste was so familiar. Truly, I like the taste of alcohol. And I promptly texted my two dear friends G and J. All the text said was "Mike's Hard Lemonade is awesome."

And that's my story. I don't know why I remember it the way I do. I don't know why it is such a big deal and why I remember the Olympics and the table. I don't know why it really matters to the story. But for some reason it all sorta ties together to capture that moment for me. It was a big deal. It still is a big deal to me because it was like I had made all sorts of decisions in my heart but hadn't allowed myself to act. Buying that alcohol was more of a rite of passage for me than anything else that has happened in this whole transition. And I am so glad I did it.

Leftovers

2010-08-26T23:04:00.005-05:00

1) I got a letter in the mail today. It said (and I totally paraphrase here), "I heard you are no longer a Mormon so this is your last Visiting Teaching letter." Where was my first visiting teaching letter?

2) Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't been trained at a young age to assume everyone hated me, no one actually liked me, and that everything out of people's mouths is a lie.

3) I forgot how quickly my house can turn into a dump when school is in session. Four days in and I can't see my kitchen counters and I have no clean socks.

4) I'm tired.

5) And broke.

6) I am pretty sure one of my favorite people in the world is ignoring me because they are trying to avoid an inevitable conversation.

7) I really should have deep cleaned my house this summer. I did not.

8) Some stuff happened this week that made me quite sad. But, postMormons aren't allowed to be sad because if they are, everyone assumes it is the inevitable outcome of "following Satan's path" rather than the result of everyday living.

9) Even writing leftovers feels overwhelming at the moment.

The New School Year

2010-08-23T13:40:00.003-05:00

Classes start today. I teach in 20 minutes and I have absolutely nothing to do between now and then so I thought I would post.

I am not a student this year. That is weird. I am Dr. M. I am actually going to introduce myself to my students with the "Dr." title. A bit pretentious, I know...

I know a lot of my friends are tired of academia or English or teaching or literature or my specific university or my specific department. I totally get that. But, I really am so happy to be here. I really do like my job. Maybe I am overly romantic or just naive, but I feel like this is going to be a great year, and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Dear Anonymous Poster

2010-08-19T09:15:00.006-05:00

Dear Anonymous poster who wrote the following:

So very sad for you. There is a right decision in this and you are not making it. Breaks my heart because I do care for you and know that you are going to have much more hurt on this chosen path.

I read your comment last night before going to bed. My immediate response was to delete it, but since I value free speech and open discussion, I decided to keep it. If you were just some random stranger I might have deleted it, but you are not. But, here are some tips:

1) In the future, when you post a comment on my blog, you should not do so anonymously. If you did not have a direct relationship with me, then it would be fine. But, you DO have a relationship with me and so it is slightly odd that you would not post your name or an identifying feature. Did you not want me to know who posted this?

2) Having said that, you haven't spoken to me in almost ten years. Outside the occasional facebook comment, you know nothing about my life and since you have never commented on my blog before, I don't think you are exactly caught up on my life. Thus, the assertion that I am making the wrong choice is a bit outlandish. You don't really know anything about me. Or my choice. So your drive-by comment lacks credibility.

(Now, if Ben or Katie or braundaddy or AfarcryfromNormal or any of my other LDS friends wants to take me to task, it might be a little easier to take. I know they love me. I know they know the journey I am on. I know that they value a discussion. I also know it is them speaking since they put their names on their posts.)

3) Your comment seems to imply that you think I am on the wrong path. Without context, I am unsure if you mean the decision to not be LDS, the decision to drink, or the decision to write about it. I am going to assume you meant all three.

First of all, Mormons do not have the market on happiness. I know lots of non Mormons who are happy. Who know joy and have a relationship with God (in whatever form they see fit). I am related to lots of non Mormons. Guess what?? You are too. Even if you believe the LDS church is the one true church, surely you recognize that people outside that church can be happy.

Second of all, I have worked very hard to keep this blog as non confrontational as possible when it comes to this topic. I have not written about what I have learned or the specifics of why I am leaving. And I still don't plan on it. But you should know that the reasons are not 1) because I want to go and drink or have sex or do any other action the LDS church calls a "sin," 2) because I am offended by something someone said, or 3) Because I read anti-Mormon literature.

There are lots of assumptions about why people leave, and all of them put the blame on the person who is doing the leaving. They haven't done what they were supposed to do. Haven't prayed or read scriptures. They have gotten into the wrong crowd or have started sinning. They have ignored the Holy Spirit. But I haven't met a single person who is like this. The exmormon community is FULL of people who were raised in the church, who did their callings and went on missions, who prayed (and prayed and prayed) to know the church is true but never got an answer. They have sought help from LDS Bishops and Stake Presidents and LDS therapists and LDS family members. They have read the BOM over and over again.

Many of the people who no longer believe choose to stay in the church because of family or simply because they love the environment even if they do not believe everything. I have met non believing members who are currently serving as Bishops or Branch Presidents. Who teach Sunday School. I even know a guy who is currently on a mission but does not believe. He secretly checks in with us every few weeks or so when he can do so without his companion knowing.

In other words, you probably know a lot more non believers than you realize. Maybe you sit by one at church. And you know they are happy and have joy and are good people who love God and love their families and always offer to help when you move. You don't think horrible things about them. And so, if you can, I would appreciate it if you did not think horrible things about me.

Sincerely,

M

P.S. For your viewing pleasure:

Reading My Own Blog

2010-08-15T12:04:00.003-05:00

Over the past few weeks I have read every single blog entry I have ever written. As I mentioned, I decided to go back and delete all the old labels and start from scratch. I am sure there was probably an easier way to do this, but I wanted to be thorough (the story of my life, right?).

In the process I would up reading all the old blog posts so I could know what to label them as. I am sure there are still some errors and mis-labels, but I am still really happy with the end result.

Going back over all these posts has been interesting. I have written a lot more about some topics than I thought I had. I have written a lot less on others. For example, I thought I had written a lot more about my frustrations over my dissertation. I expected pages and pages of angst over the whole thing, but it really isn't so bad. I think that I tended to avoid the blog during the really hard times, and while that means I have lost some documentation of my life, I think the overall diss presence on the blog is much more in line with how I feel now. I guess writing a diss is like giving birth--you sort of forget how bad it was once it is over. Certainly, I have enough diss angst here to be authentic, but I am glad it doesn't overwhelm me when I read it again.

I also had a hard time labeling so many of the posts. I don't stick to a single topic, and most of my entries (even when about a specific thing) are really about me--how I feel, how I think, what I believe. A lot of my labels are about how I feel in that moment instead of what it is that is making me feel that way. I was also very liberal in my use of labels because so many of my posts are a jumble of thoughts and feelings and ideas.

I am not sure I can come up with some kind of overall summary of the experience. It was weird to see how much things have changed and how much things have stayed the same, and while I am very happy with where I am today, I was shocked at how long it took me to get here.

It was a tedious task and not one I want to repeat. But, I am glad I did it.

Labels

2010-08-06T23:45:00.002-05:00

Confused?

I am currently reorganizing my blog to address the mish-mash of labels I have been using over the past few years. I sat down, came up with a list of lables that I knew I wanted (a LOT of them, I might add), deleted the labels off all the posts, and am in the process of going back through and redoing it. It may take a while.

Much love to all the new readers--feel free to introduce yourself if you'd like.

Sara Bareilles - King Of Anything

2010-07-26T22:59:00.002-05:00

Post-Mormon

2010-07-23T10:03:00.007-05:00

This summer has been fantastic. But, this summer has also been really, really hard.

So, I know this is pretty obvious, but I have been going through quite a bit of "stuff" this summer. Changes. Mostly good, but some hard and some heartbreaking and some hurtful. I am standing my ground and taking care of myself, but I am also so completely unsure of what I want or need that I can't hardly see straight.

If you have talked to me, you know that my every day life seems pretty great. I am happy. I struggled at the beginning of the summer with guilt over not writing a million academic articles a day, but I have grown content with what I have, and am, doing. I am more social in my life than I have been in a very long time, and although I am still trying to get used to drinking alcohol, I have some very gracious and patient friends who tolerate my questions and my 20-year-old-sorority-girl persona I seem to adopt when I am tipsy.

But, at the same time, I am struggling. I am taking some steps in my life to heal some of the problems I have. I am becoming more reflective of who I am and how I got here. I am looking at my relationships with family, friends, food, and my own body. I am healing some very, very, very old wounds. And that is making me a little crazy.

I am also going through one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Leaving the LDS church has been a long time in coming, but it is still overwhelming and hard. I mourn every day for the church I thought I had joined, the life I thought I was someday going to live. I miss the church I was a part of, though I recognize it was a romantic ideal that never existed.

I miss the fellowship of my friends, almost all of which have stopped speaking to me. No goodbye, no "it is hard for me to talk to you since you no longer want to be Mormon so I need some time to work through this." Just gone. Remember those Home Teachers and Visiting Teachers who kept knocking on my door? I am actually starting to miss them. Not the unexpected visits--I still abhor unexpected visits. But I thought I had friends in the church who were my friends for more than my Mormon-ness.

"Coming Out" to my family has been hard. Telling my non-Mormon family members was incredibly difficult. Telling my Mormon family has been incredibly difficult. Every moment of every day I think about how my decision is affecting my nephew and nieces. I would die for those kids, and yes, I would stay a 100% True Blue Mormon if I thought they needed me to. And sometimes I think they do. And sometimes I think they need me to be the most true and authentic aunt I could possibly be. And that aunt can't stay LDS.

(To be clear, as of right now I am maintaining my membership, so I am still on the rosters. I have investigated and thought about resigning my membership. But, I really don't want to. Resigning my membership would, for me, feel like a power play that only serves to cause contention. It would hurt lots and lots of people. Moreover, I recognize that such a decision is big. HUGE. Way too huge for me to do at the moment. I guess you could say I am legally separated from the church but not divorced. On the other hand, I also have no intention of being excommunicated from the church. I will not participate in disciplinary councils. So, if I get to a place where that is an issue [if I, for example, decide to join another church and the local bishop chooses to enforce the Church Handbook which says joining another church is an excommunicatable offense] then I suppose that is the route I will take. But, to be clear, my choice here is largely a personal one that allows me to say I am post-Mormon or ex-Mormon, not an official one)

The weird thing about this whole process is that I still can't just come out and say I don't believe in the LDS church. Because I do believe in some things. I don't believe in others. But most of it is just this whole big grey mess that makes no sense. Was the church true at some point? In 1836? In 1900? Where did things go wrong? Is there a "true" church at all or does each person have to find the "true" church for them. Was I supposed to join the LDS church back in 2000? Whatever the case may be, and despite the fact that I can't say the church is true or not, I DO know one thing for sure. I cannot stay in the church right now. The church is a place where I feel nothing but guilt and anger and shame. I feel like belonging to the church makes me part of a really self-righteous group of bullies. The church has never bullied me. But it has asked me to bully others. And that I will not do.

So, even if the church was TruewithacapitalT, I still wouldn't stay.

[Writing all this, I am doubting whether it is okay to post. Not because I am uncomfortable being this honest. But because I am afraid that someone will "report" me for saying something bad about the church and then I will be called in for discipline. And really, if I am scared of my church, then there is something wrong.]

To be fair, I know lots and lots of people who love the LDS church. I think the church is a wonderful, healthy, beautiful place for lots and lots of people. I am not anti-Mormon. I am not trying to fight over doctrine or get other people to leave. In fact, the reason I have refrained from talking about this process here on the blog is that I do not want to be confrontational or aggressive or mean or rude or offend.

_________________________________________

Okay, clearly I have gotten off course in this post. The point I was TRYING to make is that behind all the goodness and healthiness of this summer lurks this whole big church conflict. I don't know what to say or do or be. I have been LDS for so long that it is part of who I am. It makes up a lot of the good parts of me. How do I keep those parts of me?

I hurt all the time now. I worry all the time about whether my LDS family relationships will stay the same. I worry that I might be making the wrong decision.

But I keep coming back to this: I was very, very unsure about whether I should join the LDS church. I don't make decisions easily to begin with, so it was hard. But I remember that I kept telling myself that I could always leave if I had to. No one could make me do something I did not want to do. It didn't have to be permanent unless I wanted it to be. I made myself that promise ten years ago, and so looking at the church today, I realize that it is time. I think maybe I was always destined to be a short term member. I think I always sort of knew that I wouldn't stay.

That doesn't change the great and amazing Mormon parts of my life. It doesn't mean it was a bad decision at the time. Actually, I am still convinced that joining the LDS church was the best decision I could have made and was the right path for me at the time.

But my path is leading me elsewhere now, and coming to terms with it is hard and difficult. But I also know in my heart that it is the best decision I can make now. And the right path for me at this time in my life.

Sad

2010-07-12T22:42:00.004-05:00

Where is the joy in having a blog if you can't use it to write a big FUCK YOU to the universe every once in a while?

Shit.

I miss you guys already.

A Productive Summer Day

2010-07-10T22:07:00.005-05:00

It took me two months, but I finally got into the rhythm of summer. I have been struggling so much, trying to write an article about one of my favorite texts. I am using a great deal of my chapter one, but for some reason I just couldn't visualize the argument or the organization. Today I finally decided I needed to change something up, so I went to Panera to work, and I finally found success. That was my routine so often last summer while working on the diss, and it really helped me today to focus.

So, today I wound up putting together a 10-15 page rough draft/outline of the article. I also exercised twice today, once in the morning and once in the evening. I stayed on my summer "healthy eating" plan perfectly (which hardly ever happens), and I started a fun project for myself (catching up on my scrapbooking).

In other words, I did all the things I needed to do to feel like I had a productive and useful summer day. And I am looking forward to doing the same tomorrow.

Oh, and I actually blogged about it, too!

LOST's Unanswered Questions

2010-07-06T11:23:00.001-05:00

Yep, this about sums it up for me...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

The Party

2010-06-24T10:37:00.004-05:00

On May 8th, my family and friends all came together to celebrate my graduation. We started planning for this about a year ago, so there were a lot of expectations going in to it. And overall, I think it went well, though I also think it would have been a lot better if the weather had been nice. There was an expected level of weirdness, but at the end of the day I think all of these kinds of events have that.

We all woke up Saturday to VERY cold weather. It was May, but it was misting and in the mid 50s. It was cold. Thank goodness the party was indoors!! Most of my family went to go start setting stuff up at the clubhouse (we rented a community center sort of place in G's neighborhood), and I went across town to get the cake. Then we settled in, made things all look pretty, and waited for the fun to begin.

And fun it was--but in the weirdest sort of way ever. I loved seeing my worlds sort of collide, but I was also nervous. It wasn't just school people and family. It was also church people. Couple that with the fact that it was a lunch reception with no alcohol, and it was pretty subdued. We had planned to have some outside games, but it was way too cold for that. But, at the same time, I think it was good. I think my friends knew it was going to be that sort of lunch. I don't think anyone was miserable. I think the food was great and the cake was cute (it was in the shape of a dissertation!) and people seemed to enjoy themselves.

There were a few people who didn't make it, but overall I was so grateful to those people who came. It was really touching to know people took the time out of their day to come visit and say hello. My sister had cards for people to write messages, and I have been so honored to read the things people had written. Truly, getting to that point was a culmination of all the love and help and support I had received from a ton of people. I couldn't have done it without those people, and I hope that I conveyed that to them. I had some small little trinkets I gave out to people, so I hope they all know (and you all know, dear readers) how grateful I am to the people who have helped me.

After the party was over, G and her parents helped us clean up (THANK YOU) and then we went back to my house. I had gifts to open and cards to read. We also celebrated Mother's day by giving gifts to my mom. It was chaotic with a ton of leftovers, gifts, decoration, kids, overnight bags, etc. It was wonderful. Having my whole family in my house was so incredible (it probably helped that I had actually cleared out furniture in preparation for the crowd). My parents and grandmother were incredibly generous in their gifts (plus all the work they had done for the party). My friends poured upon me love and cards and goofy gifts and real gifts (G gave me a purse I had been wanting for months). My nephew and nieces had cards and artwork and a leaning tower of chocolate they had made. My brother bought me flowers. And all the stuff was amazing, but it was mostly what those things represented--time and effort and love and sacrifice.

I have amazing people in my life. I don't ever doubt that, and I am so grateful for it. But, at the same time, I think we all need those moments where it is all about US. A day were we are the focus of everyone's attention. And because of the way circumstances worked out, I not only had a day but had a series of days (weeks, even months) where it was all about celebrating my work and what I had accomplished. I am very much aware of how lucky I am that this was the case. It would have been easy for people to bail, to get sick of all the M-drama and M-angst and M-love. It would have been easy for people to be angry at me for being selfish. Because, let's be real here--this was a time when I absolutely was being selfish. It was about me (and J) and we knew it. We ate it up. And saying goodbye to that has been hard and has helped me to see just how M-centered everything was. But, what is so great about good friends and good family is that they know it and love you anyways.

Writing a dissertation and completing my PhD was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. It is hard to put in to words what it was like and what I felt (and still feel) about those months and years. So it makes sense that the ending of that time in my life is also hard to talk about. I am not a student anymore. I am done. Now is the time for me to shift my focus to those who will finish next--B and C and G. It is time for me to give support to those still taking classes and taking comps and writing their own dissertations. I hope that I can make those people feel as loved as I did.

I am so, so, so grateful for that time in my life. I am so glad I am done, but I am also so glad I went through it. And I am so glad that I was able to celebrate the accomplishment with my friends and family. I am truly a blessed individual.

Taking the Long Awaited Walk

2010-06-23T11:12:00.006-05:00

I ended my whirlwind of fun in the beginning of May, as I finally took part in commencement activities, was hooded by my advisor, and celebrated my "Dr." status with family and friends.

The whole experience was something I had been looking forward to for a very long time, yet I was also nervous. I was nervous that so many people were going to be staying a my house, nervous that my friends/church/family worlds were about to collide, nervous that I would go up on stage and fall on my face. In general, that weekend was pretty much the most important and nervewracking weekend of my life. I began planning for it a year ago. And overall, though there were some problems, it worked out well.

My parents arrived on Thursday. Thinking that Friday was going to be packed, they came up early on Thursday and began prepping for our Saturday party. My mom, dad, and grandmother went with me to buy food--to be honest, I had basically turned over party planning to my mom and grandmother. My dad and I were just along for the ride. After dinner out and chit chat, my parents went to a hotel and my grandmother settled in with me at my apartment--she would be one of many staying with me that weekend.

The next day was filled with more party planning, though we soon realized we didn't have enough to do. Graduation wasn't until 7:00 that night, and my brother and his family weren't coming until 5:00 or so. In other words, all I did was sit around and get nervous. Just writing about it here makes me relive the anxiety. My parents were very kind and understanding, but I think it would have been better if we had more things to do that day. By 1:00 or so we were completely done with food prep for the next day's party, and so my parents went back to the hotel to rest and get ready, and I took a short nap.

My brother, sister, nephew, and nieces arrived around 5:00. I had to leave at about 6:00 to get to the arena, so it gave us a few minutes to visit. Everyone else had dinner, but I was not even close to being able to eat. I checked my gown and hat, and then my parents and grandmother took me over to the school. My brother and sister waited at the apartment for a friend to come watch the kids, and then they followed later.

The staging area for the PhD candidates was nice. They send you all this mail beforehand telling you where you MUST be and what time you HAVE to be there, but it was clear that they didn't really expect the PhD's to abide by those rules. J and I both got there a little earlier than we really needed to be, but it was okay. I sorta liked the excitement and the vibe of preparing to walk. We were soon joined by about six other candidates from the same college and their advisors. My advisor, R, was the only person who had two advisees, so I was a bit nervous about it, but everyone seemed prepared for how to make it work.

After some talking, some panicking, and one horrible moment where I lost my tassel (thank goodness they had extras!), we were on the way. Now, the actual ceremony itself is sorta a blur. I remember walking in and freaking out and thinking I was going to faint. My advisor was a few people ahead of my, but one the other profs there that night was very comforting. I remembering sitting down and then going up to the stage. When you are up there, everything sorta happens at once. They tell you ahead of time where to stand, how to hold your hood, where to look, and whose hand to shake, but nothing seems to be in the right place when it is actually happening. I have pictures from the big moment that I don't even remember being taken. Needless to say, I do sorta wish I had been able to take it in more, but I think that is to be expected.

What I do remember is the rest of the ceremony. Since the PhD's went first, we had about two more hours of nothing to do while all the other students in our college walked. It was, by far, the most irreverent two hours of my life. J, R, and I just talked the whole time. There was no real attempt to pay attention to what was happening except to review all the shoes (or lack thereof). To be honest, I think that is what I will remember most--two hours of just hanging out with R and J, being goofy, sending text messages to the people behind us, and enduring speech after speech. I am so glad that R had two people to hood that night. I know I have said this before, but I am so glad that I went through this process with J.

Following the ceremony, R and her family had a reception at her house for J and I. Now, considering the actual ceremony didn't even end till about 9:30, it was sort of a miracle that my family was able to go--we aren't exactly night owls. But I totally give my parents credit for jumping in and and getting into the celebration. We made a quick run home to drop off stuff (and see all the fun cards my nephew and nieces had made with the sitter), and my parents, my grandmother, and my sister in law (my bro stayed with the kids) went over to R's house. It was late, and we couldn't stay too long, but it was also a wonderful thing. G and her husband came, too, so everyone who should be there was there. We took pictures--we had awkward moments where families met each other--we opened gifts from R. But mostly we just enjoyed each other's company. For me, the real value in all that isn't so much the celebration of the graduating, but the pause it allows us before moving on to other things. I know that next year will be different, and so for one last minute J, G, and I were students together. It was a really special time.

Things ended around midnight. My parents went to the hotel, and my SIL and grandma went back to my apartment. We had a big day coming up, but I am so grateful were able to have that time with R and her family. I am so grateful that the evening was so lovely and I felt so much love from so many people in my life. I am grateful for the party and for C and B in the stands cheering and for all the girls who wore such awful shoes and for Dr. CH for helping me stay calm while we walked in to the arena. And mostly, I'm glad I did not fall on my face.

Have Your People Call My People...

2010-06-21T23:01:00.004-05:00

This is going to be a little "ranty."

Although I am not talking about it, I am still diligently searching for my spiritual path. As of right now, that path is taking me away from the LDS church. You kinda need that as a back story.

I don't see people from my church very often. I don't attend church, so obviously, I don't see them. I have made an effort to keep in touch with a few people who I love dearly and care about on a level far beyond a common church. But, in general, no one talks to me, no one calls me, no one asks me to lunch.

Let me be clear on this, I am fine with that.

But every once in a while I will run in to someone or get a phone call. And I get this huge, dramatic show. How they have MISSED me so much. How they have been THINKING about me. And yet, none of those people have ever called me. If you really were thinking about me, then shoot me an email. Let's go get some Panera or something.

Or, and this drives me crazy, too. I get a phone call: "We are out and about and wanted to drop by in about ten minutes." Or, sometimes I get no phone call at all--just a knock at the door. We MISS you. We NEVER SEE you.

How about this:

If you want to see me, then you can call me on the phone or send me an email or message me on facebook. Then, you say something like "Hey, I miss you. Wanna grab lunch?" And then I respond with a "Sure. Let me check my schedule." Sometimes, it may take one or two exchanges, but almost always a time is agreed upon (thank goodness for social conventions which mandate that humans keep track of linear time via calendars and clocks). Then, we meet someplace. And eat food. Or just drink coffee. Oh, I mean hot chocolate.

This process of calling in advance and setting up a time and then meeting face to face is a tradition commonly found among adult humans. I am a particular fan. The pros of such a process allows both people to be mentally and emotionally prepared. No one feels victim to a power play. Everyone is showered and clothed. Really, it is a win-win situation all around.

So, if you would like to talk to me, I would appreciate a little more notice and a little less drama.

April (In a Nutshell)

2010-06-15T19:36:00.004-05:00

Okay, let me just really quickly run through my April so I can get to May, talk about graduation, and not feel so behind. Geesh, who knew having a social life would be so hard to keep track of?

So, April was a time for me to really try and expand my ability to be social and spend time with friends and flex my party planning muscles.

I had lots of evenings when I had people come over to watch tv or a movie. My friends and I had a party of sorts on the 16th as well--my good friend, B, made us all mojitos and we talked students and school and jobs. Most importantly, I took that time to just live in the moment of being finished.

This is not to say, of course, that April was perfect. First of all, I was pretty dang behind in my grading and teaching, so there was a lot of playing catch up.

I also struggled just with being done. I mean, it felt a little like I spent 29 years of my life building up to the moment of dissertation defense, and I had to grieve a little. There is something so wonderful and awesome and painful and magical about "writing a dissertation." I don't think I ever lost myself in the romance of it so much that I considered not finishing, but it was hard to let it go.

When you tell people you are writing your diss, they react. It means something. No one cares when you "just finished" your dissertation except other people who have also just finished. People just want to know what you are going to do next. And for April, there was no way for me to answer that question.

So April was good and bad. There was a lot of playing and a lot of working. And, there was a lot of planning for the month of May. That, though, is news for another post.

BP

2010-06-07T23:37:00.006-05:00

I don't understand. The same people that bitch about President Obama overstepping his bounds and big government playing too big of a role in the everyday lives of American citizens are upset that the government is not doing enough to stop the BP oil spill in the gulf.

You can't have it both ways, people. If President Obama had gotten involved in BP's business on April 19th, people would have flipped. But as soon as disaster strikes, he is supposed to be more involved.

I am just as frustrated as the next person with the lack of response, BP's shameful actions, and the magnitude of the disaster. And that is why I vote people into office that, I believe, will do all they can to prevent these things from happening.

BREAKING NEWS: Large Air Spill At Wind Farm. No Threats Reported. Some Claim To Enjoy The Breeze.

Of Spelling Bees

2010-06-04T20:09:00.006-05:00

When I was in fourth grade, my school had a spelling bee. It was the very first step that would lead to the big Scripps Spelling Bee you see on tv. I competed against the fourth, fifth, and sixth graders of my school, and I won (Winning word: Bikini).

Because I won, I was allowed to participate in the county spelling bee. I was against other elementary schools in my district and other school districts in the county (maybe multiple counties? There seemed to be about 100 kids there).

I spent the months between these two spelling bees studying, but I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. I had no idea that people spent all their time preparing for such things.

On the morning of the county bee, I went in and got my number. I had to wear this sign on my chest. I was up on the stage in the gym of a local high school. My parents were in the bleachers. I was the 17th person.

I missed my very first word (missed word: glacial) and had to sit down.

I was so embarrassed. I was so ashamed. I was such a failure to have my parents come and see me and then miss the very first word. I should have known to go with the "cia" way of spelling the "sh" sound.

I am still ashamed of that moment. In the many, many years that have followed I have been embarrased so many more times in so many (worse) ways. But the sting of that moment is so hard for me.

Tonight I decided to let it go.

Birthday Celebrations

2010-06-02T23:40:00.004-05:00

Ugh, I really need to finish talking about all the fun events of my March/April/May life. For reals. Life was (is?) good. I need to remember that.

I guess the next big event I want to write about is my birthday, March 29th. More important than my birthday is that it was my very great friend, J's, dissertation defense. Let me tell you about him:

I have a lot of people in my life whom I love. I have special connections with each of them for different reasons. But J, in particular, kept me sane throughout the dissertation process in ways that no person should ever be expected to do. First of all, he is brilliant. Smart. When the rest of us are taking theory and applying it to texts, he is coming up with new theory. He studies theorists. He is bold in his agreement and disagreement. In other words, he is a real scholar.

More than that, J was my partner through this. I think everyone should have to go through the diss is pairs because I was able to talk to him about stuff that no one else could really understand in that moment. I counted on J to read my work, give me feedback, and help me think through my ideas. But more importantly, I counted on J to listen when I was crying my eyes out and convinced I should quit or talk me out of nasty emails I wanted to send after harsh criticism. He got it. He knew what I was going through and what I was feeling. I can remember this one day when we were both on facebook--I wrote a sentence in fb chat, and we spent a good 10 minutes figuring out the best way to word it. One sentence. Ten minutes. J is amazing.

Having J defend on my birthday was awesome. After teaching my morning classes, I went to attend the defense, and as was to be expected, J knocked it out of the park. Sheer brilliance, I am telling you. I don't want to spend a lot of time on this because it is not my story to tell, but it was good stuff. Afterwards, a group of us went out to lunch to celebrate. It made me so happy to support him in the way he had supported me a week earlier.

In between lunch and defense party was the usual debriefing and rehash over all the defense moments--no matter the success, I think all of us need a chance to process the event--and then it was back to Lunkers to drink and play and be merry.

I should mention, too, that in the midst of celebrating J's day, my friend C came (after class) and brought cupcakes for my birthday. Little things like that are what really make me grateful for the people in my life. I was so happy to be there for Joe, but it was such a nice gesture for others (and so many people kept doing this throughout the day) to make a big deal of my birthday. The best gift I could have gotten was to see Joe succeed and become Dr. J. But the second best gift was a bunch of vanilla cupcakes with Happy Birthday signs on them.

I ended the evening with J at my advisor's house. A quick stop (due to sober driving logistics) turned into a final party of the day, with pizza, drinks, and ridiculous conversation. It really doesn't get any better than that.

Closing Down the Bar

2010-05-28T19:55:00.005-05:00

In the midst of all the dissertation madness, we had another event within my department which I thought I would mention here on the blog. Nothing fancy, but we had a guest speaker come give a lecture the Monday evening after my defense. Four "first times" for me here:

1) Before the lecture, one of my committee members introduced me as "Dr. M." It was very cool.

2) After the lecture, the professors and graduate students (plus G's mom, who happened to be in town) went to a reception held for the speaker. It was held in the restaurant/bar of the hotel where he was staying. I never attend these kinds of events, but I didn't have any excuses not to attend. It wasn't like I had school work to do. And while there, some of us decided to order cosmopolitans. I mean, where else but a hotel bar can one order such drinks? It was all very "Sex in the City."

3) Toward the end of the evening, everyone left but four of us: myself, my advisor, my friend J, and a new master's student N. I am never, ever the last one to leave events. Everyone has all these stories about the time they stayed up late talking with our teachers or the other grad students, but that is never me. Whether it was the immense sense of relief, the new found sense of freedom I was determined to enact in my life, or the vodka, I managed to be one of the last people standing.

4) And to that end, the four of us only left when the bartender kicked us out. That is right--M closed down a bar. Now, it was a hotel bar (so it wasn't really all that late--maybe midnight), and we could have moved it out from the bar to the lobby, but still... I was awfully impressed with myself for this.

What a great memory to have in my last year of graduate school. :-)

Celebrating the Defense

2010-05-26T22:17:00.003-05:00

It is a tradition in my program, so I have been told, for the newly "crowned" doctor to go out to eat with their committee immediately following the defense. Everyone says this is the case, though it rarely ever happens this way. I decided to resist the norm and hold my celebration the next day. I am just not good at mentally recovering from events that quickly, and I didn't want the complications of going out. I knew I would need some time to just digest what had just happened. Plus, it just didn't seem to work. People were busy. It was a weird time of day. In general, it just seemed like way too much work.

So, I spent some time recovering after my defense. I had lunch with a friend. I tried to breathe and take in what happened. I made phone calls to family members, some whom didn't seem to grasp the importance of what had happened. Either way, it was a really good way to decompress.

I had also decided to invite my parents for the evening following my defense. There is much I could write here about how all this came to be, but in the end, they came up the afternoon of my defense. Of course, in order to get here at the right time, they had to leave their house before I defended. I told them I would call when it was over. If they received a call from someone they didn't know, telling them I was curled in a fetal position and crying in the corner, they would know I had failed my defense and were to turn around and go back home. Thankfully, it did not come to that.

Having my parents here was good. I suppose I could have spent that evening with friends, but it was nice to do something else. We went out and looked at fun cakes for my graduation party the next month. We went to a nice restaurant and had dinner. My mom told everyone she could that I had just become a "doctor." I forced my parents to watch a movie I thought was great (Moon). Through it all, and after I went to bed, I fended of phone calls from well-wishers. It was almost embarrassing for me to be at the center of so much positive energy. Needless to say, I did not sleep much that night.

My family isn't so good with the outward manifestations of love and affection and accolades. But both my parents demonstrated how happy and proud they were, and that is what counts. As I mentioned elsewhere, they left with hugs and kind words the next morning. It was awesome and overwhelming.

It should come as no surprise, then, that as I prepared for my next celebration (the one with friends and advisor) I was almost ready to call it quits. To be honest, I was exhausted. I was feeling that downer feeling that comes after such excitement. It didn't help any that in a freak of nature, it started snowing that morning. But, I put on a happy face and went to celebrate my defense, an event that would also be my very first time drinking and celebrating in a bar. Weirdly enough, I am not sure which I was more excited about.

We went to a local dive--one of those places with cheap beer and not much else. I expected a few friends. What I got was an enormous amount of love. I know I keep saying that; I know I sound stupid. But I was so touched that so many people were there, including my adviser's entire family. It was, truly, one of the best days of my life. Whether it was the people, the event, the snow, or the social lubrication of the alcohol, I had a great time. It was nothing fancy, but it was perfect.

I ended that evening with some long discussions with some good friends. We talked over the events of the weekend and we dissected every word and question and answer from my defense. We talked about my recent decision to start drinking. In other words, I was able to talk through all the crazy things that had just happened to me. I can't even tell you how grateful I am that my friends allowed me that luxury.

Reading through this, I guess I sound a bit mechanical as I describe the whole thing. I can only exude so much love and gratitude before I start feeling silly. But that doesn't change just how happy I am with how the whole process went. I told many people (all who would listen) that having your celebration the next day was the way to go. I need time to fully digest the things in my life--good and bad--and so waiting till the next day to really put on the smile and take on the world was the best decision I could have made.

Plus, you know how the guest of honor is always supposed to come a little late so that everyone makes a big deal out of her? Well, having my party the next day was really just an excuse to make everyone wait with anticipation before they could congratulate me. I got to have two whole days worth of attention. Seriously, it was all about milking the moment for all it was worth.

You think I am kidding, but I am totally not...
:-)

Defending my Dissertation

2010-05-25T11:03:00.004-05:00

I already talked briefly about the dissertation defense here, but I always planned to come back in and give more detail. It's true--I don't really remember everything, but I do know that through the whole process I felt an overwhelming sense of support. I am so, so lucky to have the friends I have.

About a month before the defense, my advisor told me she wanted me to have a more formal presentation than usual. Typically, diss defenders make a 2-5 minute presentation of their work before using the whole time for questions. She asked me to prepare something about 15 minutes long. This was a bit scary, but looking back it was actually a benefit. First of all, it allowed for less time for questions. And second of all, it allowed me to take the offense on some of the issues I knew would come up. I was able to lay out my argument before I was questioned.

To prepare for this, I created a handout and some answers to expected questions. A few days before the defense my favorite people came over and prepped me. G, J, B, and C watched my presentation and gave me tips on how to make it better, asked me questions and listened to my rehearsed answers, and said all the things friends are supposed to say two days before a defense. It was so useful for me to go over my ideas, but even more than that I was so grateful to have friends who were willing to drop everything and help me prepare.

That same kind of love carried over in to the actual defense. So many people showed up to support me. One of the secretaries said it was one of the largest turn-outs she had seen. I seriously felt so loved.

The actual meeting was pretty typical. I got there early and nervously paced around. Two of my committee members were there in person, and the other was present via phone conference. Once we had set up all the technology, I was told to begin. I presented my info and talked over my main points. My handout covered some of the basics, but I added in some specifics. I tried to be a little funny. The night before I had printed out a copy of my dissertation and "tabbed" places I might need to reference quickly, and having it sitting in front of me helped calm my nerves. Apparently my presentation took almost exactly 15 minutes, though I didn't look at a clock at all. I am thankful I didn't go over.

The questions weren't as bad as I thought they would be. My advisor asked me to expand upon an idea (a question I had asked her to give me). The other two had very interesting and positive things to say and ask. Obviously, dissertation defenses often have a myriad of power dynamics and power plays taking place, and this was no different. People say and do things which have nothing to do with me. Overall, though, I thought it went well. I was even able to pull a super-impressive scholar move when I fielded a question by immediately turning to one of the tabs I had put in my diss and giving the name of a scholar who addressed a specific point. I felt pretty cool in that moment, I have to say.

In less than an hour it was over, and though I thought I would throw up as I waited for the committee's decision, I think I knew it was going to be okay. I had no revisions to make, and so we ended by getting signatures on all the forms I needed. I said goodbye to my committee-member-by-phone (CMBP), and then forced the other two to sign countless pages. As usual I was going to be printing seven copies* of my dissertation (and each copy has multiple pages that need signatures), but rather than get one set of signatures and then photocopying them, I wanted real signatures on each page (plus I had them do extras just in case). It was tedious and annoying, but I am very, very glad I did it. There is something sort of magical about that signature, and I wanted it to be real on all the copies that were out there floating around. Nevertheless, this meant my advisor (who was signing for both herself and my CMBP had to sign over 100 times. The fact that she did it without complaining speaks to how much she cares. The defense ended, then, with just as much love as I felt at the beginning.

Defending the diss is just the beginning of the fun, but I will leave the rest till later.

*Seven copies= two for the graduate school, one for the department, one for each committee member, and one for me

MIA

2010-05-24T23:35:00.004-05:00

I have been missing from this blog for almost three months now. I have posted a few things, but I really haven't written much. This is a shame, since the last few months have been some of the most exciting of my life. I defended my dissertation, earned my PhD, took part in graduation, spent time with family and friends, and watched one of my best friends do the same. Things have been such a whirlwind, and yet I haven't been able to write about it. I think the reason for that will be clear shortly; I have needed a little bit of courage to talk about some of these events.
I feel like the starting point of these last few months of craziness and excitement and change can be traced back to a single event. As most of you know, I have struggled with my faith and membership in the LDS church for quite some time. I have found my membership to be troublesome, and more often than not, the happenings within the church, whether they be commandments or policies or personal interactions, have gone against what I feel to be true and good and Christ-like. I have used Proposition 8 as an example over and over again, but it is so much more than that. Most is too complicated and personal to share here, and my struggles aren't really the point of this post.

The point is that about three months ago I decided that I needed to just come to terms with the kind of Mormon/Christian/Humanist I want to be and let the rest go. I don't believe in everything the church teaches. I never have. I think lots of people find great happiness within the LDS church. But there are many others who do not or can not. For me, I came to realize that the Church was causing me an enormous amount of guilt and anger and fear and depression. I was a 28 year old woman who spent WAY too much time worrying about what I was and was not allowed to do--time I could have spent trying to help others and to help myself.

Letting go meant not having all the answers and not trying to. It means allowing myself the "normal" life I so desperately wanted. The biggest outward manifestation of this decision was that I began allowing myself to partake in alcoholic beverages. I called it my "Mormon Rumspringa" and gave myself a month to find out if it was something I wanted in my life. As you might have guessed, that one month has become a permanent change.

I know this must sound crazy to my LDS friends. But sitting in a bar with my friends and ordering a drink has been so empowering. I feel like an adult for the first time in my life. I feel like I was told over and over again for the past ten years of my life that alcohol use automatically meant addiction, drugs, reckless sex, and a loss of the Holy Spirit. I feel like everything was so black and white. But, this change in my life has helped me to realize that the world is so much more nuanced than that.

I feel like I could write a whole book in defense of this decision. Historical readings about whether Jesus Christ drank alcohol. Research on Joseph Smith and whether he drank (and made) beer. Close readings of the Word of Wisdom. But, the truth is, I don't have to defend myself to anyone. Isn't that wonderful? Knowing that has changed my life.

I think I have spent so much of my life trying to follow some path that I thought I was supposed to be on. But, I have realized that the only path I need to be on is the one I make for myself. As long as I am right with myself and my god, then I am good to go.

Behind all of the events that have taken place over the past months has been this new found sense of freedom. The actual act of trying new drinks has been fun, but even more than that is a feeling that I have woken up after a really, really long nap. I am very, very happy.

There is much more to come...

70+ Years of Collegiate Grade Inflation

2010-04-29T12:16:00.002-05:00

70+ Years of Collegiate Grade Inflation

How The HSUS Helps Local Shelters - Wayne Pacelle: A Humane Nation

2010-04-29T12:14:00.004-05:00

How The HSUS Helps Local Shelters - Wayne Pacelle: A Humane Nation

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Since The HSUS’s founding in 1954 we have been clear about our mission: tackling the large-scale cruelties beyond the reach of local humane societies. But our direct care activities are also unequaled in the field of American animal protection. In 2009, more than 70,000 animals received hands-on care through HSUS sanctuaries, rehabilitation centers, mobile veterinary clinics, emergency response programs, and sponsored spay/neuter events. When you combine our hands-on animal care with our programs that support local animal shelters, The HSUS spends more than $20 million annually. One of our many goals is to further the work of local shelters and to end pet homelessness, and that work takes many forms.

In the 1970s, shelters across America euthanized 12-20 million dogs and cats when there were 67 million pets in people's homes. Today, nearly 4 million animals are euthanized in shelters annually, while there are more than 171 million dogs and cats in people's homes. Great strides are being made, but we still have a ways to go. U.S. shelters cannot save and support the huge numbers of accidental litters, strays, and family pets brought to their doors every day. For the animals who do not get a second chance, the situation is dire. We must strike at the roots of this problem.

The HSUS celebrates the life-saving work of our colleagues and partners on the local level and supports them in their efforts to save pets. Coming up May 12-15 in Nashville, Tenn., we’ll host Animal Care Expo, the preeminent education and trade show for animal shelter professionals and volunteers. In addition to our workshops on animal sheltering, fundraising, emergency response, and more, this year we’ve added an entire track on equine protection and Emmylou Harris will join us for an exciting Welcome Session to kick off the conference, speaking about her experience in animal rescue.

But Animal Care Expo is just one of the many ways we help local animal care organizations every day. Ending pet homelessness takes a multi-prong approach and The HSUS will be there every step of the way, as we have been for more than 50 years. Here are a few of the other ways we support the work of local shelters and rescues in their efforts to make the world a safer and better one for our cherished companion animals:

•Our award-winning Animal Sheltering magazine is the only print journal devoted exclusively to animal care professionals and volunteers—from humane society directors and city animal control managers to kennel staff, volunteers, and private individuals working as advocates, breed rescuers, wildlife rehabbers, veterinarians, and more. We also offer publications on a variety of topics and multimedia tools to help shelters and rescues improve their work for shelter animals and their outreach to the community.

•animalsheltering.org is widely considered to be the most comprehensive online resource for shelter professionals and volunteers, with a multitude of information on animal care topics from A to Z.

•Our Shelter Evaluation Program provides affordable, in-depth animal shelter evaluations to shelters across the country, and our Shelter Services staff respond annually to almost 3,000 constituent emails, phone calls and letters with guidelines and recommendations on shelter standards, care, and operations.

•The HSUS has partnered with the Ad Council, Maddie’s Fund, and the entire sheltering community on The Shelter Pet Project, a national public service advertising campaign to encourage pet lovers throughout the country to make shelters their first choice for acquiring companion animals. This is the first national PSA campaign to bring together the largest animal welfare organizations and shelters across the country for the unified goal of increasing pet adoption and ending the euthanasia of healthy and treatable homeless dogs and cats. The PSAs have been distributed to more than 33,000 media outlets nationwide and resulted in millions of dollars worth of advertising—an unprecedented level of exposure for pets and shelters.

•Our Pets for Life New York City program, based at New York City Animal Care and Control, is a relinquishment prevention program to help people who have come to the shelter as a last resort. Our coordinators and volunteers offer advice on everything from controlling pet-related allergies to resolving landlord-tenant conflicts. As a result of these proactive efforts, 3,000 pets have stayed with their families—and out of New York City animal shelters.

•The HSUS is working tirelessly to expand public access to affordable, high-quality spay/neuter services. We’ve invested millions in our Gulf Coast Spay/Neuter Project, helping to develop low-cost spay and neuter programs throughout Louisiana and Mississippi and driving pet owners to these services through multi-media advertising. The program has been so successful that we’re planning to take it to other states and have made the marketing materials available for other organizations to use and customize for their communities.

•The HSUS also runs the world’s largest annual spay/neuter event: Spay Day. This year, the Spay Day Online Pet Photo Contest raised $527,000 to support the lifesaving spay/neuter programs of The HSUS, Humane Society International, and more than 200 participating animal shelters and organizations around the world. So far, 40,532 cats, dogs and other animals were spayed or neutered around the world in conjunction with Spay Day 2010.

•Throughout the year, our Humane Society Veterinary Medical Association staff and volunteers work around the globe bringing no-cost spay/neuter and other veterinary services to rural communities where regular veterinary care is not available. In 2009 the HSVMA Field Services unit conducted spaying and neutering surgeries and/or wellness examinations for more than 8,000 animals, at an estimated value of $1,271,400.

•We provide disaster assistance, including on-the-scene leadership in the collection and care of animals during crises. Plus, The HSUS assists in the rebuilding of animal shelters damaged in disasters, and supplements local budgets for unexpected disaster expenses. In recent years, these support efforts have channeled millions of urgently needed dollars to local animal shelters. From 2005-2007, we gave $20.7 million in grants to dozens of other organizations in need of such support. Our foreclosure grants funded programs across the country designed to help struggling families hold on to their pets. And this year we’ll debut another life-saving grant opportunity for sheltering and care organizations.

•Humane Society University offers a wealth of classes for shelter leaders and staff. And we continue to offer dozens of on-site workshops and online courses on disaster animal response training, emergency animal sheltering, compassion fatigue, trap-neuter-release, the animal cruelty-human violence connection, solving conflicts with wildlife, and other topics.

Consent Turns Me On: SAAM is officially here!!!

2010-04-29T12:12:00.002-05:00

Consent Turns Me On: SAAM is officially here!!!

Jhuger - Kissing Hank's Ass

2010-04-29T12:08:00.002-05:00

Jhuger - Kissing Hank's Ass

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the Desk of Karl
1.Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2.Use alcohol in moderation.
3.Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4.Eat right.
5.Hank dictated this list Himself.
6.The moon is made of green cheese.
7.Everything Hank says is right.
8.Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9.Don't use alcohol.
10.Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11.Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

Yusof - A Different Perspective on Plagiarism

2010-04-29T12:06:00.002-05:00

Yusof - A Different Perspective on Plagiarism

Introduction
Plagiarism is a disturbing issue among academic societies across the world. More and more students in the higher education levels are resorting to plagiarism to complete assignments, tasks and research papers. In fact, many websites are established to accommodate this need. Research papers are made available for free or at a price online. Despite students having ample warnings, both written and verbal, the rates of plagiarism has increased rather than decreased.

When a student enters a tertiary learning institution, he or she is introduced to the concept of plagiarism. In the old days it was called copying. Today, it is known as plagiarism. The act, whether intentionally or unintentionally, may result in the severe punishment of being expelled from an institution. Less major cases may simply result in lowering a student's grade in the subject involved. Regardless of severe warnings to students, cases of plagiarism seem to be on the rise.

Current Trends
The rules on plagiarism are usually published in the handbook on academic rules and regulations. It is a concept that has been embedded in many curriculums across the world. A description of what constitutes plagiarism is also normally given as well as the punishment, the most common form being dismissal from the institution. Nevertheless, those methods have not deterred students from plagiarizing. The effectiveness of those warnings and punishment is yet to be confirmed.

It has been suggested in research that the practice of plagiarism is rampant mainly due to the rapid advancement in information technology (Hansen, 2003, Introna et al, 2003). A lot of information, which includes literary composition, journal articles as well as practically anybody’s work, is put online, readily accessible to any interested parties. Other reasons or justifications for plagiarizing include pressure to meet deadlines, being encumbered by other responsibilities such as working and family commitments, as well as having poor skills in writing especially for English as Second Language (ESL) and English as Foreign Language (EFL) students (Dawson, 2004). Regardless of the reason, it seems that students in higher education do not take the issue seriously enough.

Plagiarism among Asian Students
Among many of the cases cited on plagiarism, Asian students have been highlighted as one of the largest number contributing to the problem (Introna et al, 2003). These students, or ESL/EFL learners, who studied in USA and UK commonly practice plagiarism. A lot of reasons have been cited. Among those reasons include that quoting from a well-known authority is showing a sign of respect and deep reverence for the authority (McDonnell, 2003, Introna et al, 2003). Altering and changing even a bit of the authority’s word is a sign of disrespect and bad intellectual judgment. At a more philosophical level, knowledge according to some societies including Asian is considered to belong to the society as a whole and it is a duty to share it with others (Hu, 2001 in McDonnell, 2003, Introna et al, 2003). This asserts the idea of a collective society and the concept of societal interdependence advocated in Asian societies which opposes the view on the value of individual rights and ownership

Historical Overview
To combat plagiarism more effectively, it may be useful to view the issue from its historical context. Plagiarism did not become a strong issue prior to 1700 (Hansen 2003). Before then, articles and texts are not considered as privately owned by individuals but considered as messages from God. Thus, copying from others’ work was accepted as positive imitation and not plagiarism.

In 1710, the first copyright law was passed in England while US passed its first copyright law in 1790 (Hansen, 2003). It was partly claimed to be attributed to the invention of printing press in 1440 and the reformation of Protestant which put values on individual ownership. Despite much objection during that period, plagiarism became the accepted norm sometime in the 1890s (Hansen, 2003).

Origin of the Concept - A Western Notion

Pennycook (1996) cited by Introna et. al (2003) views that the claim on text ownership is particularly a western notion. He outlined three distinct stages of authorship in the western world which began with pre-modern era, progressing into the modern era and lately into the post modern era period. He further commented that during the pre-modern era, the concept of authorship did not belong to one particular individual but nevertheless, to God himself. Knowledge was believed to belong to society and free to flow for the benefit of all societies involved.

However, the Enlightenment era which took place in the 17th century “brought about a shift in the western thinking” (Introna et al, 2003) which replaced God with humans as the source of imagination. Thus, authors are considered the “creator of literary text” (Pennycook, 1996 cited in Introna et. al, 2003). Scollon (1995) also agrees that the idea of plagiarism arose during the Enlightenment era.

Lately, however, the post modern era has begun to take shape which rejects the notion that the individual is the creator of the text but rather the “text itself is the creator” (Foucault, 1977 in Introna et.al 2003). Nevertheless, the modernist view of authorship is still prevalent.

Definition of Plagiarism
A definition of plagiarism is not easy to form. On the basic premise, plagiarism comes from the Latin word “plagiarus” which means “kidnapper” or “abductor” (Williams, 2002). It can be considered cheating or stealing of other people’s ideas and form them as your own. Thus it is morally and ethically wrong.

To define the concept of plagiarism on a universal context, Howard (2000) concluded that there is no standard definition of plagiarism that could be applied. Various definitions of plagiarism are stated below:

“using the ideas or words of another person, without giving appropriate credit”
(Hu, 2001 and Myers, 1998 cited by American National Academy of Sciences.)

“having selected, ordered and uttered words…in some written document that can be checked and cited by others”
(Dillon 1988, in Evans and Youmans, 2000)

On the surface, the meanings seem similar. In practice, the meanings are rigorously subject to debates. Western critiques have constantly attacked the lack of consistency in defining plagiarism and demand that “the standard be comprehensible” (McDonnell, 2003).

Academic and Non-Academic Plagiarism
The debate on what constitutes plagiarism is extended not just within the academic circle but also to the real world practice. Martin (1994) argues that plagiarism has two different standards, one in the intellectual field and the other in the institutional field, referring to the workplace setting. He said that although plagiarism is strictly abhorred in the academic society, it is not so in the work environment. Plagiarism is said to occur in the form of ghostwriting, honorary authorship, and bureaucratic authorship.

Martin (1994) mentions the case of ghostwriting when a politician, movie star or business executive gives a speech, writes a book or a newspaper column. In actuality, the authors are not themselves but another person who sometimes goes unacknowledged or just put in small print somewhere at the acknowledgement section.

Another type of plagiarism that goes unpunished in the real world setting is the type of “honorary authorship” where a supervisor of a laboratory who contributed little on the research is listed as co-author of the research paper (LaFollette, 1992 cited in Martin, 1994).

Another common type of plagiarism is at the bureaucratic level where it is common for higher level officers to take credit and put their name on documents which are the work of their subordinates (Martin, 1994).

Martin argues that it is quite unfair to put emphasis on plagiarism in the academic world, calling to apply a different standard totally in the real world setting. Thus it is quite unfair to punish students severely in the academic context but overlook the issue in the real world setting which has much more importance and significance on individuals and society in general.

All these differing meanings of plagiarism as well as the different standards that are applied may give cause to students to misinterpret the real definition and values of plagiarism. Students may question or challenge the rules of plagiarism when many parties beyond the academic world practice it and justify it with some other name. The real world practice even clouds students judgment and understanding of what is and what is not plagiarism, a subject that is becoming more and more unclear in the western world, the place of its origin.

Cultural Definition
Another common debate in the academic circle is the differences among the students themselves that gives rise to different interpretations of plagiarism. Research has suggested that many students who come from countries other than United Kingdom or United States has displayed different kinds of understanding towards the meaning of plagiarism as well as its importance in the academic circles. In many cases the concept of plagiarism brings them confusion on the definition as well as its application.

Research by Introna et. al (2003) has outlined several cases on the understanding of plagiarism. The adaptations of the findings are as listed below.

Chinese
A student was accused of plagiarizing and said it was correct to rewrite the author’s word since the author was well known and respected. It shows the importance of reverence for authority which originates from a culture where respect for betters and elders is emphasized greatly.

Spanish
A visiting student was accused of plagiarizing but claimed that it was perfectly acceptable in Spanish academic circles.

African
A Mauritian student was accused of plagiarizing but appeared shocked as he claimed that he was merely writing as how he would have written in his home institution. It appears that plagiarism is not recognized in Mauritius but a widely accepted practice.

This differing interpretation is clearly supported by Hu (2001, cited by McDonnell, 2003) who observed that “In many Asian, Middle Eastern, African, and First Nation cultures,…knowledge is believed to belong to society as a whole, rather than an individual…” . In fact he further outlined that in China and Italy, students learning science and history “are only required by their teachers to find the source answers and copy them”.

These differences clearly corroborates with the theory developed by Hofstede (1991, cited by Introna et.al, 2003) which says that different cultures across the world see the world differently and have different values which may influence the way they learn and teach.

If it can be said that plagiarism is a concept originating from the west, thus a product of western creation, then perhaps a new perspective could be established to analyze and find methods that would help reduce the practice. Since it is a western concept that has been imposed on societies across the world, it could be that the concept is totally alien in non-western societies. It points to the question of what culture is and how culture shapes behaviours, thoughts as well as the notion of education. Some societies believe that information should flow freely and thus could be shared while other societies believe that knowledge should be guarded well and not be allowed to travel freely by its own course (Hall & Hall, 23).

Plagiarism in ESL Context
Given the various definitions and interpretations of the concept of plagiarism in the academic context, it is thus not easy for ESL learners, who are relatively new to the language compounded with their lack of understanding of the western learning culture, to grasp the very idea of plagiarism, of how to avoid it and how to appropriately write an academic paper. The concept of plagiarism is confusing among westerners themselves, thus it could be even more confusing among non-westerners especially ESL learners all around the world. It is undoubtedly a daunting task for ESL learners who are strangers to the western principles, standards and values to embrace the concept of plagiarism.

It could be argued that plagiarism could be an inherent part of learning by ESL learners (McDonnell, 2003) and thus should be tolerated. Howard (1993, cited in McDonnell, 2003) argues a form of copying named as patchwriting to facilitate the writing process. She defines it as a process of “copying from a text, deleting some words, changing some grammatical structures or substituting words with synonyms”. Mc Donnell further cites Hu (2001) who argues that “the nature of learning to write is a developmental process...” and explains that “the concept of patchwriting – which many consider a form of plagiarism – as a useful learning strategy for ESL students as they move from second-language writing skills to mature writing”.

Implication
There is no denying that many institutions across the world have endorsed the concept of plagiarism and its rulings/punishments. We simply borrowed the definitions of plagiarism and print those into our academic rules and regulations handbook, including the penalties involved upon getting caught, knowing to a certain degree that the concept possibly emerged in the west and thus could be challenged.

Perhaps it could be said that we have simply “plagiarized” the concept into our education system. It is due to this understanding that a new perspective on plagiarism that is solidly based on our cultural views should be formed.

Bibliography
•Ary, D. et. al. 2006. Introduction to Research in Education. Seventh Edition. Belmont, CA: Thomson Wadsworth.
•Brown, H. Douglas. 2000. Principles of Language Learning and Teaching. Fourth Edition. White Plains, NY: Addison Wesley Longman Inc.
•Dawson, J. 2004. Plagiarism: What’s really going on? In Seeking Educational Excellence. Proceedings of the 13th Annual Teaching Learning Forum, 9-10 February 2004. Perth: Murdoch.
•Hall, Edward T., and Mildred Reed Hall. 1990. Understanding Cultural Differences. Maine: Intercultural Press Inc.
•Hansen, B. 2003. Combating Plagiarism. CQ Researcher 13 (32). 773-796
•Hu, J. 2001. An Alternative perspective of Language Re-use: Insights from Textual and Learning Theories and L2 Academic Writing. English Quarterly. 33 (1), 52-62.
•Introna, L. et al. 2003. Cultural Attitudes Toward Plagiarism. Lancaster University.
•Martin, B. 1994. Plagiarism: A Misplaced Emphasis. Journal of Information Ethics. 3 (2). 36-47.
•McDonnell, K. 2003. Academic Plagiarism Rules and ESL Learning – Mutually Exclusive Concepts?. American University, Washington, DC.
•McGowan, U. 2005. Does educational integrity mean teaching students NOT to `use their own words’? University of Adelaide
•Ranald, M and Carroll, J. 2006. Plagiarism – a complex issue requiring a holistic institutional approach. Assessment & Evaluation in Higher Education. 31, (2), pp233-245.
•Scollon, Ron. 1995. "Plagiarism and Ideology: Identity in Intercultural Discourse." Language in Society 24 (1), 1-28.
•Sheridan, M. 2002. “In praise of rote learning.” The Journal of the Law Society of Scotland. Viewed 16 February 2007.
•Tribe, D. and Rendell, C. 2003. Meeting the plagiarism challenge. University of Hertfordshire. Viewed 41 February 2007
•Types of Plagiarism, Academic Office, University of Sussex. 2002. Viewed 22 April 2007.

Why are you so terribly disappointing?

2010-04-29T12:02:00.002-05:00

Why are you so terribly disappointing?
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

What the hell is wrong with you? Are you really going to wear that? Why aren't you right now cooking me a nice meal and wearing those hot boy shorts you know I love and saying those words you know I want to hear at exactly the moment I like to hear them, to make me feel better about everything, even though I probably won't?

What happened to my bonus? What happened to my job? What happened to my country? Why can't it all go the way it's supposed to go? You mean having a kid won't solve my marriage problems? Why don't these drugs make me feel better? Where's that goddamn waiter with my salad? Have you seen the stupid weather today? Is this really all there is?

These are, from what I can glean, the most important questions of the day, of the month, of modern life itself. Hell, what with the economy and job situation, the housing market and the overall feel and texture of the nation right now, it's no wonder Americans are, by and large, a goddamn miserable bunch. We don't like anything right now. No politician, no decision, no situation, no inhale, no exhale. We are sick to death of all of it, including ourselves.

Can you blame us? Have you seen how many things there to be disappointed about these days? Love. Sex. Marriage. Stock market. God. Gas mileage. Death. Air travel. 5/9ths of the Supreme Court. It's all just a big goddamn letdown. The list is endless. And getting endlesser.

The evidence is everywhere. I calculate it took about seven minutes, give or take, after Steve Jobs finished introducing the shinypretty iPad before the whiny attacks on the wondergizmo began flooding in, how it didn't have this or that expected feature, how it can't do live video chat, doesn't have Flash, the bezel is too big and it won't double as a meat thermometer, how it doesn't really revolutionize much of anything despite how it's, you know, this gorgeous 1.5-pound slab of aluminum and glass that works flawlessly and can perform roughly one thousand tasks in a more fluid and astonishing way than any device of its kind in history.

Big f--ing deal. We just do not care. It's all a big disappointment. Hey, I was expecting to be blown away. I was expecting miracles and transformations and multiple twitching orgasms on sight. Do not come at me with tantalizing promises only to reveal that you can fulfill most of them to a fairly good degree, and not far exceed all of them in every imaginable way. We're Americans, goddammit. Ye shall know us by the tang of our bitter and untenable jadedness.

Also, global warming? Total effing letdown. Americans are no longer believing in it. Do you know why? Not because the mountains of scientific proof aren't there. Not because it's not happening. But because it's not yet happening to us like they said it would in the movies and those worst-case scenario books. Where are the zombies? The ice forests? Where's the tidal wave crashing over the Himalayas? I want my goddamn apocalypse, and I want it now.

Hey, you annoying gay people? Ditto, to you. All this uproar about rights and gender, all this talk about how gay marriage is now legal in a handful of states, and still the very fabric of whinysad 50-percent divorce rate Christian society has yet to unravel and cause riots and induce all white Midwestern children to spontaneously combust. I mean, WTF? So disappointing.

My God, did you hear that pathetic State of the Union? That guy, that President Obama? Disappointing times a thousand, am I right? What the hell happened to him? Why is he so weak and ineffectual? Why the hell can't he step up and fix the entire planet in under 400 days like he promised he would, in my dreams and fantasies and impossible liberal grass-fed organic tofu greengasms? Doesn't he know I put a goddamn bumper sticker on my Subaru for him? I've never done that for anyone. Bastard.

He's only accomplished what, about 100 of the things I expected him to accomplish by now? Big deal. I have, like, 5,000 more. Health care reform has failed. Guantanamo is still open. Wars are still warring. Jobs are still sucking. Gays are still unhappy because the entire human understanding of love and gender in this nation has not completely transformed within a year. Infuriating!

But the biggest disappointment of all? Turns out one calm n' brilliant Barack Obama isn't enough to solve the problem of 535 vile n' slothful congressional jackals who aren't Barack Obama. Go figure.

Shall we recall just how violently disappointed those fundamentalists were when Bush bumbled off the stage, the single greatest disaster as president we will ever know? They were, of course, mostly disappointed Bush wasn't able to do far more repellant damage than he did. They wanted nothing less than full-scale war on Islam, death to all abortion doctors, creationism in schools, homosexuality banned outright, all you scary women to please stop it with your needy n' terrifying vaginas. You know, the usual.

And now it's the hardcore Dems' turn, in reverse. Obama cannot do enough good, fast enough. He is failing as our personal SuperJesus. Not because he's not accomplishing volumes and making all sorts of history, but because we were expecting total mindblowing revolution. Hey, it's his own fault, right? He's the one that set out one of the most ambitious agendas in presidential history to go along with the million-mile hole he has to dig us out of first. Can you blame us for whining?

But we don't stop there. Not only are we disappointed, we need to express it. Vent it. Hiss it and spit it and hurl it like fistfuls of mental manure at the great wall of hey, screw you.

You have but to take a peek in the comments section below this column, any column, any article on this or any news site whatsoever, to see just how mean and nasty we have become. It does not matter what the piece might be about. Obama's speech. High speed rail. Popular dog breeds. Your grandmother's cookies. The anonymous comments section of any major media site or popular blog will be so crammed with bile and bickering, accusation and pule, hatred and sneer you can't help but feel violently disappointed by the shocking lack of basic human kindness and respect, much less a sense of positivism or perspective.

Maybe this, then, is the ultimate upshot of our endless, self-wrought swirl of sour disappointment, of never having our impossible needs fully met, of constantly being thwarted in our desire to have the world revolve around our exact set of specifications and desires.

Our disappointment begins to curdle, to turn back on itself, poison the heart, turn us nasty and low. It shifts from merely being a national mood or general temperament, into a way of being. A wiring, deep and harmful and permanent. It's all very disappointing, really.

Reading Underground

2010-04-29T12:00:00.004-05:00

Reading Underground
Ruth Fremson/The New York Times

THE middle-aged woman with the black cardigan around her shoulders had assumed a meticulously calibrated posture: feet shoulder-width apart, arms slightly bent, fists loosely clenched, muscles relaxed yet alert.

She was not preparing for a tae kwon do bout, but performing her personal version of the underground battle engaged in daily by millions of New Yorkers: reading, intently, on a sardine-can D train heading swiftly toward Brooklyn in the evening rush. Without holding on.

“I am a New Yorker,” the woman, Robin Kornhaber, 54, told me as if those five crisp words explained everything. “I can do anything on the subway.”

Reading on the subway is a New York ritual, for the masters of the intricately folded newspaper like Ms. Kornhaber, who lives in Park Slope and works on the Upper East Side, as well as for teenage girls thumbing through magazines, aspiring actors memorizing lines, office workers devouring self-help inspiration, immigrants newly minted — or not — taking comfort in paragraphs in a familiar tongue. These days, among the tattered covers may be the occasional Kindle, but since most trains are still devoid of Internet access and cellphone reception, the subway ride remains a rare low-tech interlude in a city of inveterate multitasking workaholics. And so, we read.

Even without a seat, even while pressed with strangers into human panini, even as someone plays a keyboard harmonica and rattles a cup of change, even when stumbling home after a party.

There are those whose commutes are carefully timed to the length of a Talk of the Town section of The New Yorker, those who methodically page their way through the classics, and those who always carry a second trash novel in case they unexpectedly make it to the end of the first on a glacial F train. There is a lawyer from Brooklyn who for the past two months has catalogued what she and other commuters are reading on a blog, “The Subway Book Club,” and a student at the New School who spent the summer passing out 600 donated books to subway riders to spread her passion for reading.

And then there are those reading the readers, imagining their story lines. That man in a suit studying “Rosetta Stone Level 3 Italian” on the No. 2 train must be preparing to meet his fiancée’s family in Tuscany. The woman reading a young-adult novel at 81st Street is probably a teacher preparing for class. We are usually left to wonder, but I recently spent 12 hours crisscrossing four boroughs underground, asking people what they were reading and why.

Bob Alderson, 46, the man learning Italian, is a patent lawyer, with no imminent overseas travel plans, but aspirations. “Someday I want to visit Italy, so I’m studying,” he said.

And the woman reading “City of Glass,” an urban fantasy involving a slavering demon and several warlocks? Kimberly Nessel, 26, a dog walker with a graduate degree in forensic psychology, said she became addicted to young-adult fiction with dark plot lines when she worked in a bookstore.

JUST BROWSING

C train at 135th Street, 9:30 a.m.

The blue bag balanced on her lap was packed full of health care administration textbooks and homework, but Deborah Hairston, who works in the cancer unit at NewYork-Presbyterian/Columbia hospital was using her commute to peruse the catalogs that stuff her mailbox each week.

“Sometimes I find things I want to buy, but most of the time I am just browsing,” she said, paging past a display of bead-embellished Chadwicks cardigans. “I don’t want to read the news or get involved with anything too heavy. I have enough of that in my life.”

A PAGE A DAY

B train at 96th Street, 10 a.m.

To learn the Talmud, many of its students read one of its 2,711 pages each day. And it helps to have a chevruta, or study partner. Harry and David Zinstein, brothers from Washington Heights, generally conduct their Daf Yomi — page of the day, in Hebrew — study sessions en route to work on the Upper West Side.

Except on Wednesday, which turns out to be a kind of day of rest for Harry, the elder of the two Zinsteins at 28. A manager at Mike’s Bistro, a kosher restaurant on West 72nd Street, Harry Zinstein forgoes his subway Talmud study those days to read the Dining section of The New York Times.

“It’s the only thing I read on the train except for the Talmud,” he said, his thick, leather-bound Babylonian text tucked inside his messenger bag for later consumption. “And it’s the perfect length for the commute.”

David Zinstein, 19, who is studying in Israel but spent the summer working for his brother, sat to the right, reading his Aramaic tractates (with English translations). “I always read the Talmud on the subway,” he said. “Even on Wednesdays.”

MULTITASKING

A train at 23rd Street, 12:30 p.m.

Donalay Thomas is the kind of reader who creates a private space for herself among the multitudes, whether she is squashed by the door or has a whole row of seats to herself. With her iPod earbuds firmly in place (“On the Ocean,” from an R & B album by K’Jon) and a thick hardcover (“Resurrecting Midnight,” by Eric Jerome Dickey) open on her lap, Ms. Thomas, head down, can zone out and leave the world behind.

“I always listen to music while I read on the train because it sets the mood for me to get lost in the author’s plots,” said Ms. Thomas, 21, a model in between jobs who lives in Englewood, N.J., and was headed to West Fourth Street for an afternoon of skateboarding. “I can become one of the characters that I’m reading about.”

She does not, however, get so lost in her books that she loses touch with fellow passengers. “I’ll ask other readers if they’re enjoying a book I’m familiar with,” Ms.Thomas said.

Then she turned to a woman across the aisle. “Your stop is next,” she said, proving that she had been paying a little bit of attention to everything all along.

SUBWAY AS STAGE

B train at 42nd Street,
1:30 p.m.

If every restaurant in New York employs at least one actor, then every subway car seems to carry at least two — rehearsing for a part, or just daydreaming about one.

An actress named Rachel, who is 25 and wore dark sunglasses that may or may not have been helping her get into character, was in from Los Angeles, with several auditions lined up, including one for the part of Sosa in “The A-Team,” a movie remake of the 1980s television series. “Sosa is an aide to the secretary of defense,” she explained. “I am trying to channel her. She is sexy, but official.”

Across the aisle, James Wright, 31, was dressed casually, sitting beneath a dark suit and starched white shirt on a hanger. On his way to an audition for a soap opera, “As the World Turns,” he was reading Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman” — he aspires to play Biff some day — to warm up.

A few minutes later, another actress, Angelica Ayala, was gesticulating forcefully and mouthing the words to her part, a woman with multiple names and personalities. Ms. Ayala, 45, made no apologies for her theatrical display.

“I just have to do what I have to do,” she said. “People might stare, but I need to rehearse.” Her play, “Peccatoribus,” was being staged at the Pregones Theater in the Bronx.

“It’s a play about war and fighting for yourself,” she said.

WRITING, TO READ LATER

N train at 59th Street, 4 p.m.

Having finished “The Nimrod Flipout,” a book of short stories by the Israeli writer Etgar Keret, on her morning commute, Alysia Vallas, on her way home to the Upper West Side, pulled out the journal in which she had been recording a summer’s worth of impressions of New York.

“I generally write little vignettes about daily occurrences I’d like to remember,” she said. “Strange places I’ve visited, people who have caught my eye on the subway, things of that nature.”

The journal, a patterned hardcover, also includes carefully drawn tables and notes on guitar chords she researched at the New York Public Library.

Ms. Vallas, 21 and a student at Grinnell College in Iowa, spent the summer as an intern at the Queens Library HealthLink. She said she typically used her train time to read or write.

“It’s the one the time of day that you have completely to yourself with no sort of immediate obligations, unplugged,” she said. “Although you’re surrounded by people, the anonymity is really forgiving.”

READERS IN TRAINING

2 train at 42nd Street, 5 p.m.

The day-campers from Tremont United Methodist Church in the Bronx, ages 5 to 8, were exhausted. They had been going full speed with activities since 7:30 a.m., including a field trip to the New York Hall of Science in Queens.

Waiting on the platform at Times Square, the children plotted how to score a coveted rush-hour seat, planning who would sit on whose lap if the options were scarce. Hands were held tight, and two of the youngest girls rested their heads against each other’s for a moment.

As the train pulled into 42nd Street, Jesus Figueroa, a Tremont counselor for six summers, readied the campers to board: “Get your books ready.” An explosion of titles — “Jig and Mag,” “A Rose, a Bridge, and a Wild Black Horse,” “The Kid Who Invented the Popsicle” — were pulled from backpacks.

According to a church rule, Tremont campers must read whenever they win a seat on the subway. Each day, campers select a book from the church library or bring one from home. They practice reading in short increments — 20 minutes here and there — and keep reading journals to document their progress.

“The books keep them occupied while they ride and help them stay on point with their reading skills,” said Mr. Figueroa, 20.

On the train, even campers who had to stand took to their books. An 8-year-old named Christopher used both hands to hold “Time Together,” supporting himself by twisting one of his black Nike Shox around the pole behind him. Next to him was Steven, also 8, who cracked open “50 Simple Things Kids Can Do to Save the Earth” with one hand and held on to a counselor with the other.

With an index finger following the words on Page 4 of “Mary Anne to the Rescue,” a book in the Baby-Sitters Club series, 8-year-old Laronda perched intently on her seat between two men scanning newspapers. For a moment, she looked up to offer an assessment of the task at hand. “This is a lot of work,” she said, “but it’s fun.” And then she turned back to the book.

JOINING THE CLUB

D train at Grand
Street, 5:45 p.m.

Fellow passengers would probably never suspect that Carlton Clarke, standing in the middle of a crowded car, was consumed with the ramblings of a disaffected teenager.

With a logo bag from the accounting firm where he works slung over his shoulder and a stack of papers bound by a black clip balanced on his left palm, Mr. Clarke appeared to be taking his work home with him to Brooklyn.

But he was, in fact, three chapters into J. D. Salinger’s “Catcher in the Rye,” a copy of which he had printed from a downloaded version circulating around his office book club, which meets weekly and turns 50-somethings like Mr. Clarke into armchair literary critics.

“I’m only part of the way into this book, but I already have questions about where it could be going and whether or not it can get there,” he said, bracing himself as the train lurched across the Manhattan Bridge.

In recent months, the book group has read the first and second installments in Art Spiegelman’s “Maus” series. “That was a different kind of reading experience because they are graphic novels,” Mr. Clarke said. “I had never been exposed to that genre before.”

As for “Catcher in the Rye,” Mr. Clarke could not remember whether he had read it before. “Maybe I did, in school, but either way, this is different,” he said. “I definitely never read it on the subway before.”

MEDITATION IN MOTION

7 train at Queensboro Plaza, 6:15 p.m.

On a crowded car hurtling toward Jackson Heights, Panee Ma was immersed in a solitary pursuit, radiating monklike calm.

For two years, Ms. Ma has used her round trips from Queens to the garment district, where she spends long days applying intricate beading to clothing by hand, to read “The Wisdom of the Lotus Sutra,” a six-volume Buddhist literary masterpiece. And here she was, on a warm Wednesday evening, most of the way through her last book.

Ms. Ma, 68, a native of Korea who came to New York in 1981 via Thailand, speaks in heavily accented English. Her reading goal is simple: “I am learning through these books to become a better human being and get better at English.

“I try to improve myself every day,” she added, thoughtful about the necessity of combining her spiritual life with the grime and noise of the subway. “I am trying to learn to live life as a Buddha. I don’t want to waste any time.”

Mormon Snark

2010-04-12T21:21:00.006-05:00

Mormon Ads are these posters/feel-good cards that Mormon teens buy and collect and put on their walls.

MormonAdz make me laugh. And pretty much get the balance between humor, truthfulness, and snark exactly right.

Job = Fail

2010-04-08T11:16:00.003-05:00

I am so tired of getting my hopes up for some kind of job and then feeling disappointed. The whole thing is humiliating.

I am starting to think I should cut my losses all together, break my lease in May, and just move back in with my parents. They live in a city. Surely I can find a job there.

I am just so fucking tired of feeling like a failure.

And I know this is wrong, but I am so offended that I just spent five years of my life giving my everything to a department to not have them give a rat's ass that NOT ONE of their graduating PhD students got a job this year. They feel no sense of obligation to help or accommodate. They are done with me.

I am really fucking close to being done with them.

Leftovers

2010-04-05T22:57:00.005-05:00

1) On the second day of class you announced to all of us that your parents believed in no-sex-before-marriage and that you whole heartedly disagreed with them, in theory and in practice. And yet you are religiously conservative about everything else. I hate being so judgy, but I don't get it.

2) And yes, I gave extra credit to students on Friday. You missed class for "religious reasons." It may not seem fair, but I am sure Jesus appreciated your sacrifice.

3) Lynchburg Lemonade

4) I need words of wisdom/good fortune to pass around. They have to be less than 30 characters long.

5) I miss writing my dissertation. I feel like the world is moving on without me.

6) I gave Lexi enough food for each meal. When I picked her up today, there was a LOT of food left in the bag. If I find out you didn't give her enough food, I am going to be pissed.

7) If you are as progressive and open minded and kind as you think you are, you wouldn't use the word "gay" as an insult, and you wouldn't automatically talk trash about the woman dating your ex. Your rhetoric disgusts me.

8) I know I am totally being bitchy today, but whenever I find out someone is a republican (and I didn't know it before), I feel a little sad for them.

9) I am running late on my April Charity post. I know.

10) I am starting to think that people are meant to exist in pairs.

Vanishing Point: How to disappear in America without a trace

2010-04-05T18:26:00.004-05:00

Vanishing Point: How to disappear in America without a trace

If you have ever wondered what you would do if you needed to run from the IRS, the police, an abusive spouse, or zombie attack, this is your resource. (Well, maybe not the zombie attack...)

Some interesting tidbits include:

Another important aspect of running from a spouse or boy/girlfriend: If they have firearms, think about getting them. If you are comfortable handling any firearms your opposition might have which you feel could be used against you, acquire them and -- if they're small hand guns -- deposit them in a postal box as soon as you can. The postal box on the end of any business district street is fine and it doesn't matter that it's close to your house or apartment that you're fleeing.

Destroy all photographs you have access to before you disappear. This includes family volumes of photographs that family members have. Your family members may or may not be supportive and hand over (to your opposition) all of their photographs of you depending upon your situation. Your family could be forced to support your opposition through threat of law or through physical violence. If you destroy all photographs of you, they can't be shown around gas stations and quick food stops

Don't run from the cops in a car or motorcycle! If you're in a car or on a motorcycle, pull over, stop, turn the engine off, and show your hands. If you like, get out and run. (More on bailing out of cars and running later.) The worse thing you can do is try to run with your car. Not only will you kill someone, the police will be very motivated to do what it takes to stop you before you do kill someone. In America that includes pulling along side you and popping you with Mr. Shotgun. If you're driving 120 through the streets of Los Angeles, you become a fatal threat and will be handled with fatal force. Don't think that you and your car can get away! You can't. These days nobody can. Believe it. You can't outrun radio or helicopters and the police aren't just going to go away. Spike strips will puncture your tires and slow you down even more. (Eventually there will be devices deployed which will destroy an engine's ignition system, operated through a remote-control radio link.) These days nobody gets away and you are a dangerous fool to try it in America. Believe it.

NEVER lick an envelope or a stamp for obvious reasons! If it is known you're in a particular city your general location can be inferred by the physical location of your correspondence in a stack collected by the postal authority. You shouldn't mail anyone anything unless it's done so anonymously (wear gloves when handling paper) yet if you feel the need, remember that if you lick something and it leaves your control, you may as well take out an advertisement in the newspapers broadcasting your general location.

And that is just some of what the website has to offer.

My Best Friend

2010-04-02T22:28:00.004-05:00

My brother, sister-in-law, nephew (age 7), and two nieces (age 4 and 18 mos) took me out tonight to a really cool, restaurant called Bluephies. It is exactly the kind of place that I love--the food was great and inventive, the atmosphere was casual, and the goal was to have fun. I really enjoyed myself.

While we were waiting for the food (and while we were eating), we played a game. B and SIL actually have a game that is meant to be played in a restaurant, The Restaurant Game. Most of the rounds involve answering questions.

We got to a round where the adults were supposed to guess the top five best friends of the kids at the table. My brother started with I.

Brother: I think your top friends are G, J, B...
I: Yep!
Sister-in-Law: And J2.
1: Yep.

Brother (moving on to my niece, S): Um, the Williams kid, what is his name?
S: Nope
Brother: Um, gosh, what is his name? The Walter kid--his dad works with me.
S: No
S (looking at me): You know. You know my best friend.
Me: Uh, Floppy? (the name of my parent's dog)
S: No, YOU.

And I proceeded to burst out crying in the middle of the restaurant cause it was, quite possibly, the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. There is nothing better--nothing--than being a four year old's best friend.

Apologies

2010-04-01T22:55:00.004-05:00

I've been really manic lately. And being manic is the worst cause there is no way to apologize to those who have to suffer through it. Saying I'm sorry only comes across as being more manic.

I have been bitchy and gossipy and hard to deal with and loud and...

And if I post this, then it comes across like I am looking for advice or forgiveness.

Which only seems more manic.

And I know that what I really need to do is leave people alone for a few days so they aren't sick to death of me.

But I hate, hate, hate being alone right now.

And I am terrified that if I leave my friends alone for a few days (while they are annoyed and sick of me), they will stop being my friends permanently.

This gnawing feeling at the back of my brain says: "They are sick of you. They would love it if you just walked away. You have to prove to them that you are a good friend. Buy them stuff. Invite them to stuff. Call them and apologize."

I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate the illogical brain that tells me that the only way to be is to be depressed or wound up. And I hate that if I am going to have periods of my life where I am manic, I can't be the fun, crazy manic and instead I have to be the paranoid manic. The manic that annoys the hell out of people.

I'm posting this. Because I want you to know that I know how hard and difficult I am being right now and I recognize what I need to do and I am trying to do it.

Grounded

2010-03-30T22:38:00.003-05:00

I have had lots and lots of fun lately. I mean, I have struggled a bit with being post-dissertation, and I am still incredibly stressed out about not having a job for next year. But, in general, I have really been enjoying the celebrations.

BUT

I woke up this morning to a pile of papers to grade and an email from a student that gently reminded me how far behind I am in updating the course website and gradebook. I felt just horrible that I had let things get so out of hand. On March 19th I collected papers from both of my classes, and I have not even touched them since. I know that might seem like not a huge deal, but I always feel the need to grade faster this close to the end of the semester.

So, I'm grounded until further notice. I am hoping to be caught up by Friday. Not that I would post another blog before Friday anyways, but now you know how my life is going.

Birthday Post

2010-03-27T17:12:00.006-05:00

My birthday is coming up. I am sure it is no surprise that birthdays make me think about the past and what I have accomplished and what I want to accomplish. It doesn't really take much for me to set goals or to note the passing of time.

This coming year is a big one. In 2011 I turn 30, and I feel like I am supposed to have my life (somewhat) in order by then. I feel like I need to think about what kinds of things I would like to do by then.

But goals make me nervous. I set them and then don't do them. Half the goals are so generic that they don't really make sense. The other half change. Many are too personal to share.

I think instead of making a list of things I want to DO in the next year (before I turn 30), I would like to focus on a list of things I want to BE.

1) I want to be confidant--in who I am and what I want. I want to be confidant in the choices I make and not worry if I don't do what everyone else does.

2) I want to be happy. I want to notice the good in life far more often than the bad, and I want to be grateful each day for all the amazing opportunities I have been given and the successes I have had.

3) I want to be social and friendly. I am so, so, bad at this. It is true that lately I have been more social, but I want it to be more permanent. I want to make more of an effort to be friendly and open, to invite new people into my life and distance myself (respectfully) from those who bring me negativity. I want to remember to create moments with my friends. I want to love my friends and be loved by my friends.

4) I want to be healthy. This is a given, but I don't just mean in the food I eat or the activities I do. I want to be emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy. I want to be self-aware enough to know what is going on in my mind and body. I want to be brave enough to take care of myself in healthy ways.

5) I want to be spiritual. I want to be at peace with my choices concerning my church and my faith, and I want to be active in my spiritual path.

6) I want to be an adult. I want to be bold in the decisions I make, and I want to embrace the greatness that comes with being 29. I want to take responsibility for my life and my happiness and my choices, and I want to create a world where people treat and respect me as an adult.

I guess, most importantly, I want to be happy and bring happiness to others.

Funny Trailers

2010-03-25T17:56:00.005-05:00

The first is one of my favorites. The second is one of B's favorites.

I am a person. And I have friends.

2010-03-23T22:29:00.003-05:00

I don't know what is wrong with me, but I feel the need to socialize. A lot. All the time.

In the five years I have lived here, I have probably had friends over less than 10 times. And in the past month, I have gone out or had people over about twice a week. I had a party last week. I went out this week. I am going to another party this weekend. I planned two facebook get-togethers just today. And still, as I was walking the dog this evening I was trying to figure out when we could plan some kind of park BBQ. And a bowling night. And maybe a RISK party.

What the hell is going on?

I am sure it has to do with the diss being done and the fact that I am graduating soon. This past weekend when we had a party for my defense, I was so thrilled to see so many people come. I felt, maybe for the first time since I have lived here, really confidant in my friendships. Like, I knew they were legit.

I hope that doesn't offend those of you who have been my friend for much, much longer. But it just feels like it is really real.

I am a person. I have friends. I get to have social gatherings. That is what people do. And I am a part of that. Do you know how weird and wonderful it is for me to feel that way?

Post-Diss

2010-03-21T22:38:00.001-05:00

I'm starting to rejoin the world.

The Defense

2010-03-20T08:56:00.007-05:00

Yesterday morning I gathered my nerves and notes and handouts, and I defended my dissertation. It was scary. There were quite a few people there. It felt really wonderful to be supported.

It was a success. I don't really know how it went, and I can't really remember all of it, but I know I passed and I know I don't have any revisions to make. That is pretty incredible. I know that I was (and am) a little in shock. I am a little unsure of what I am supposed to do next. Sleep and watch movies all day sounds like a good plan to me.

My parents came last night to celebrate. Today I am having a party with friends. Usually all the celebrations occur immediately following the defense, but I am so glad things were spaced out. It is sorta nice to get over all that crazy anxiety and weirdness and THEN settle in with friends.

My parents are not sentimental people and have a really hard time saying emotional things. I did not get a card or flowers or a gift. But before they left this morning my dad awkwardly said, "So, I guess you know we are proud of you..." It was enough because I know how hard it is for them to say such things.

In the grand scheme of things, defending the dissertation may not seem like much. Writing it was harder than defending it, that is for sure. And I certainly haven't cured cancer or discovered clean coal technology or brought a new life into the world. But, it sure does feel good to be called Dr. M.

Worries

2010-03-15T23:28:00.004-05:00

What I Should be Worried About:

Defending my dissertation in about 3.5 days.

What I am Worried About:

Where are we going to go out after the defense?
Will people be offended if they aren't invited?
Why all the drama about defense celebrations?
Are my parents mad at me?
Are my friends mad at me?
Is my advisor mad at me?
Is God mad at me?
Should I take up drinking?
Why do my students hate me so much?
How can I make my students understand argumentation and academic discourse?
What color paper should my defense handout be on?
Did I make the right choice about font?
Is the Mormon church true?
If I can't ever marry a Mormon, but I can't ever see myself marrying a non-Mormon, how am I ever going to get married?
How am I going to afford to live here next semester?
Why doesn't anyone like my choice of baby shower games?
Am I getting sick?
What time is PromptCare open tomorrow?
Why don't I have a job?
What do I need to do to get a job?
Is the day when your birthday and your age match (turning 10 on the 10th, for example) called your Golden Birthday?
Why does that sound oh-so-inappropriate?
How am I going to pay for my cap and gown?
How am I going to pay for my graduation party?
How am I going to pay for my graduation announcements?
How am I going to pay for my dissertation binding and copyright?
Should get my dissertation copyrighted?
How do you spell copyright?

Ocoee Middle School Flash Mob

2010-03-05T17:41:00.009-06:00

I am sure many of you have already seen this, but I just heard about it today on Oprah. Yeah, that's right. I watched Oprah. You gotta problem with that?

:-)

This inspires me.

(ETA: I thought I had already posted the Oprah you tube video this was based on. I guess not.)

Sticky Tabs

2010-03-02T17:21:00.005-06:00

I know I have mentioned this here before, but I am addicted to sticky tabs. I used, literally, thousands of them during my dissertation process.

I removed the tabs from the library books as I went so I could return them, and I still have sticky tabs on the articles I used (they are all in one binder).

But last night I took all the sticky tabs out of my theory and fiction books and started moving the texts back into the bedroom where the bookshelves are. I had them all out in the office and/or the living room, but I figured it was time to move them back. All the quotations I need (or might need) have been inserted into word documents, and I really want to try and start the dissertation recovery process. I thought this would be a good first step.

I was seriously shocked to see how many sticky tabs I came up with. And this is really only about 75% of what I actually used!

We Can All Be Winners

2010-02-28T23:24:00.003-06:00

I am patriotic. I think. Certainly, I root for the USA at the Olympics (usually). I want us to do well. I worry that if we DO rack up the medals, the world will hate us even more, but I worry that if we do poorly then the world will say "see, I told you the US isn't all that great."

I am not sure if normal people worry this much about how the medals affect the world politics.

I am glad that the United States won the most medals. I am glad that we now hold the record for winning the most medals.

But, I am also really, really, really glad that Canada won the most gold medals (by far!), and I am glad that they now hold THAT record.

It seems like it all really worked out for the best.

That's the way it should be.

Charity: Love146

2010-02-24T20:55:00.007-06:00

About 30 minutes ago I posted a lengthy post about this month's charity, Love146. I am not feeling very good about it. I feel like so many words overshadow the issue.

To be brief:

Over 100,000 US children are forcefully engaged in prostitution or pornography each year.

The trafficking of human beings is the second most lucrative crime in the world.

Every year at least 12 million children are estimated to be trafficked around the world.

Love146's vision is this:

The abolition of child sex slavery and exploitation. Nothing less.

They don't need a bunch of words to say it. And neither do I.

To learn more about Love146, click on the link above. To learn more about the sexual exploitation of children, consider taking a look at Documentary: Playground.

Coffee

2010-02-23T16:46:00.006-06:00

I had a cup of coffee today--the first one in almost ten years. I have to say, it was really, really good.

Russian Ice Dancers and Ropes that Help Them

2010-02-22T23:22:00.007-06:00

ETA: I was able to find some good pictures to add to this post, but it is still much more apparent if you actually watch the performance and the medal ceremony itself.

I watched Ice Dancing this evening. I like it. I mean, it isn't as exciting as the figure skating, but it is beautiful to watch.

Many of you have probably heard or read about the controversy over the Russian's offensive costumes in their Original Dance. But, apparently, there is another controversy over their costumes in the Free Dance.

I watched tonight, and I see the problem. Both Oksana Domnina and Maksim Shabalin wore ropes around their bodies as part of their costumes. When doing their lifts and turns, Maksim would hold on to Oksana's ropes and use them to lift her. Now, true, I guess there isn't anything in the rules that prohibit this, but it seems awfully unfair that he didn't have to worry about losing grip, etc. At the very least, using the ropes decreased the level of difficulty.

Here, you can see how he uses the ropes to hold her:

But this is what really gets me: after they won the Bronze medal, they went out for the medal ceremony and weren't wearing the ropes. There was still the black band running through their costume, but the actual ropes were gone. So, either they are part of the costume or not, but removing them clearly suggests that they saw them as tools/resources and not an artistic element to the costume. I mean, at least pretend that you weren't trying to cut corners!

In the picture below, you can see that the middle rope (the one that ran around her waist, is now gone. The black halter ropes are there (I beleive they are part of the actual costume), but the thicker rope is gone.

I am still way bothered by their costumes from the Original Dance, so I am sure I am biased. But really. It seemed pretty lame to me.

Dissertation OCD

2010-02-21T09:11:00.004-06:00

Because I am insane, I decided to go through my entire dissertation and double check every quotation I use to make sure it was written correctly and then I maintained the correct italics, spelling, etc. It has turned into a miserable, miserable experience.

But now that I started, I would hate to stop. Cause I actually have found a handful of errors, and heaven forbid there is an error in my dissertation.

Dog Breeding: Behind the Best in Show

2010-02-18T10:46:00.005-06:00

I've never been a huge fan of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. It is fun to see the dogs, I guess, but I have way too much of a love for the mutt to really care about the purebreds.

I think most of us know that puppy mills are atrocious and cause a great deal of pain for a great deal of animals. We tend to excuse registered breeders, though, because we assume that if they are breeding in their homes and planning to show, they will be careful. Reading today's Wayne Pacelle blog post, however, I realized some of the problems that still exist.

Whereas puppy mills breed over and over again in order to increase sales, many of these breeders are doing the same thing in order to achieve unrealistic characteristics in the dogs. They may not be forced to breed as often or in as bad conditions, but the forced breeding of animals within the same family lines is still heartbreaking and still causes an enormous amount of suffering.

Facts are difficult things to ignore, and the congenital and hereditary problems in purebred dogs are one of the biggest concerns in the entire arena of dog welfare in the United States. Dogs are dying too young, and they are plagued with health impairments that diminish their quality of life. German shepherds have hip dysplasia which cripples the animals early in their lives. Greyhounds, typically killed if they do not race well or chase animals, seemed the model of strength and fitness. But as they get older, they develop serious cancers. West Highland White Terriers are plagued by skin problems and allergies. Cavalier King Charles Spaniels have an inherited heart disease and a skull malformation called Syringomyelia that causes intense pain and results in major locomotion problems.

“When I watch Crufts, what I see is a parade of mutants,” Dr. Mark Evans, the top veterinarian with the RSPCA, the U.K.’s largest animal welfare group, told the BBC. “It is some freakish, garish beauty pageant that has nothing frankly to do with health and welfare. The show world is about an obsession about beauty and there is a ridiculous concept that this is how we should judge dogs.”

There is no way I can ever watch the Westminster again, and I sure hope that people start realizing the problems behind such a harmful tradition.

Dog Breeding: Behind the Best in Show - Wayne Pacelle: A Humane Nation

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The Commercials Are What Really Get To You

2010-02-17T21:09:00.007-06:00

The thing that really makes me love the Olympics is the emphasis on community and connection. The idea that the whole world, for just a moment, is at peace is overwhelming to me. Indeed, sometimes I think that if we could just get the Dems and the GOP to do some alpine skiing, we could stop the petty bickering in Congress.

The commercials are what really get me. VISA, especially, gets me every time.

Sometimes they are about triumph:

Sometimes they are about overcoming trials:

But this one. This is the one that makes me realize that we can be better people. We can put people above politics. This is what the Olympics is really about:

Angry M

2010-02-16T13:59:00.004-06:00

I get pissed off very, very easily. It isn't a good thing, but I do. I know I need to NOT get pissed off so easily, but I am not sure how to make that happen.

I get too involved. I get involved in my students lives. I get angry when they act stupid. I get angry when I see them make bad decisions, even when those decisions have nothing to do with me.

I get too involved in the train wrecks I see around me. I take things personally even when they have nothing to do with me. I am overly invested in the "principle" of the matter.

I don't like people who think they are special. They aren't.

When I hear things in the news that make me upset, I feel guilty. I feel like I did something wrong and I get angry because I am unable to stop it. Barack Obama being used as a scapegoat? My fault for not voting in better people to Congress. Haiti not getting enough aid? My fault for not jumping on a plane and going over there to figure out a better distribution plan. You laugh, but I seriously lay (lie?) awake at night trying to figure out how what I can do to solve the world's problems. It usually involves me signing some lame petition.

I don't like this about me. I don't like the emotional roller coaster it involves, and I think that it makes other people assume I am something I am not.

I have so much joy in my everyday life that the angry stuff appears to cloud it over when really it is just an average part of my day. It just happens to be the part I talk about the most so I know I come across as mean or angry.

The truth is, I am very rarely ever angry about things that are actually important. The stuff that is important might make me sad, but never angry.

But the fact that I am sad makes me angry.

What a circle.

Woman's Last Stand

2010-02-13T23:57:00.007-06:00

Just to be clear, I am totally stealing this from my friend, B. She is brilliant and has a knack for finding the greatest videos ever.

This year's superbowl commercials were especially obnoxious, so I am thrilled to post this response to one of the more annoying ones.

I know I should post some smart, witty, feminist reading of this. But the truth is, the second commercial says everything that needs to be said.

2010 Winter Olympics

2010-02-13T00:41:00.004-06:00

I plan on posting some fun Olympic thoughts over the next two weeks, but for now I hope you notice my two new Olympic widgets on the sidebar!