So last night was wonderful.
I had been feeling a little overwhelmed about turning 30, but I woke up yesterday morning feeling great. I puttered around the house a little, scanning old photos on to facebook and whatnot. Got my haircut and dropped the dog off at the kennel. Basically, I was prepping for my 21st birthday.
I had a 21st birthday, of course. And to be honest, it was fun. I am fairly certain we all went out to dinner at a total dive nicknamed 'The Shitty." But it wasn't one of THOSE kinds of 21st birthdays. And while I wasn't hoping to do anything stupid or scary or whatnot, I have been feeling like I need to reclaim some of what I felt like I lost. So, my birthday plan was to go out, have fun, have a few drinks, and act like an undergrad.
I am pretty sure I was successful.
My friends and I started out bowling. We moved on to a nice dinner. Then we went to a local pub. And we finished the night by playing Wii at a friend's house. (Well, to be clear, I never got Mario out of the gate--I couldn't figure out how to start the game.)
1) My friends, G and G, brought their son to bowling, and he was seriously the best cheerleader ever. No matter how badly we did, B always cheered for us. Bowling is just silly and stupid anyways, but it is nice to have a 2 year old remind you of that.
2) I started the evening off by receiving a wand. By the end of the night I had used that wand (deemed a fairy twizzle) to pronounce new medieval roles upon the entire group. Oh, and I think I also named us after all the Winnie the Pooh characters.
3) My friends made me two killer birthday desserts. And when I mean killer, I mean seriously killer. Like, amazing. And there was rum.
4) My waiter liked me a lot. I know this because he gave me FOUR cherries in my drink.
5) I won a hat. I mean, does it get more undergrad than winning a hat at a bar because I drank the appropriate kind of vodka in my drink?
6) I tried a lemon drop. It was a bit complicated, but I made it.
7) Our DD is amazing. And when I say amazing, I mean amazing. Cause when she gets tired, she doesn't make us go home. Instead she goes to sleep in the corner of all the Wii chaos and waits for us to be ready to go home. And then she wakes up at 2:30 in the morning and drives all five of us back to our houses and doesn't complain at all. BZ, you are a rockstar. And deserve a raise.
8) The most important and wonderful highlight of the evening? The fact that I felt 100% loved. And I am also 100% sure that a year ago I could have never done this. I would have been scared and nervous and self conscious and embarrassed by my weight and feeling guilty for having a few drinks and worried that I wasn't living up to some perfect standard wherein I am supposed to feel bad for not being married and and pregnant. But now I know a secret.
I am me. I am who I am. I am allowed to love myself and love the world. I am allowed to act like an adult and make my own decisions. I am allowed to want to lose weight for my own reasons and I am allowed to not give a shit if someone thinks it isn't enough or it isn't fast enough. I am allowed to ask my friends for help, and I am allowed to meet new people. To flirt with the waiter. To act like a 5 year old while bowling, a 30 year old when ordering drinks, and a 5 year old again after consuming a lot of them.
I think that when I pour that kind of love on to myself and into the world, then that love comes back to me. And last night I saw evidence of that love in every moment and with every card and with every song sung. I saw evidence of that when people did things for me even though they thought it was silly or when they weren't feeling good or when it was an inconvenience.
It was a beautiful night.